|Nothing I Say is Meant to Offend Unless You're a Moron - Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in an RPG 1001-1500
|Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in an RPG 1001-1500
||[Mar. 16th, 2008|08:02 pm]
To avoid truncation splitting a third list off the main.
1001. No matter how bad the game is going, I won't stradle the table like Slim Pickens riding a bomb.
1002. Foam Finger of Death is not a real spell.
1003. I cannot start with an armor class higher than my actual age.
1004. Not permitted to die from essence loss during character creation.
1005. Even if I bought the book at Walmart, I don't get a discount on advantages.
1006. If I take the Poison Immunity advantage, that doesn't include Radiation.
1007. That whole Expedition to the Barrier Peaks? Dream Sequence.
1008. Texans do not get revolvers as a racial weapon proficiency.
1009. No matter how many points I put into the skill, can't use sword swallowing to parry.
1010. Stone Giants don't have heat sinks.
1011. Even if we are facing Yuan Ti, my battlecry cannot be "COBRA!"
1012. Note to self: Lightsaberchucks...BAD IDEA
1013. The expressive dance skill is not a substitute for language skills.
1014. I will stop blaming every massacre we come across on Decepticons.
1015. Despite what the rules say, berserking does not improve my aim.
1016. Even if spells are use them or lose them, I will not waste Meteor Swarms on a goblin.
1017. I will not lay siege to Cinderella's Castle.
1018. Elves do not get Viking Funerals.
1019. Even if we have more ammo than fuel, I still have to cut down the tree with the chainsaw, not the HMG.
1020. If we have to add a new PC mid-campaign, he doesn't have to pass a drug test first.
1021. Can't use the Jedi Mind Trick to convince the stormtroopers the Droids over there are the Droids they are looking for.
1022. Can't start the game with 24 hours to live.
1023. The bluff skill is no substitute for actually knowing the spell.
1024. Slings make poor thongs. And vice versa.
1025. If I have two cyberarms, they have to be on different sides.
1026. My character cannot gain a level through nepotism.
1027. I will not use the d20 system to test the validity of any Kennedy Assassination theory.
1028. My character has mastery level in singing. I do not.
1029. I will not convert to Eilistraee just so I can watch naked drow chicks getting their groove on.
1030. No matter how much he pisses me off, I will not raise the barbarian’s dead mother-in-law.
1031. Just because my superhero game has 18 stats and yours only has 3, doesn’t mean mine is 6x better.
1032. Monofilament does not automatically make the world a better place.
1033. Holding the hand crossbow sideways ‘gangsta style’ does not add to my intimidate check.
1034. Even if I wait for the ninja to jump at me, I can’t crucify him with a repeating crossbow in a single round.
1035. If at any point in his lifespan my character can clear out every single Cave of Chaos in one single round, he’s vetoed.
1036. My druid can't summon or change into a skunk. No seriously, it’s not allowed in the rulebook.
1037. Kangaroos are poor substitutes for taun-tauns.
1038. There is no such thing as a Viking Assisted Suicide.
1039. Jury Summoning I is not a real spell.
1040. I can not name my character anything that was suggested by Tom Servo.
1041. Doesn’t matter if I’m just using to spot weld, force lightning still gets me a dark side point.
1042. Erasing the compass on the map and redrawing it in reverse does not mean the villain will start building his evil railroad backwards.
1043. Ninjas do not have a hive mind.
1044. No matter how much ammo I start with, I can’t impact the total world supply.
1045. We will not gut every animal we kill to see if they have treasure inside like in video games.
1046. We can’t stabilize the dying villain before we make our escape just in case he was a load bearing villain.
1047. If my troll is the smartest character in the party, the entire party is vetoed.
1048. I will not attempt to overdose on Rogaine so I can disguise myself as a wookie.
1049. I can’t summon anything in MM4 just so I can take a bathroom break while the DM looks it up.
1050. If the weapon has the 3-handed trait, I don’t get a sidekick just for the extra hand.
1051. As a matter of fact, the high and tight buzz cut doesn’t exist in Exalted.
1052. I’m not automatically eliminated from the crappy module if I guess the wrong murderer like in Clue. So I should stop making random accusations.
1053. I was not raised by a pack of feral Ironclads.
1054. I will call the elf druid by his real impossibly long elf name, and not just Llanowar Leafblower.
1055. I will also not simply refer to the elf druid as that dirty, dirty hippie.
1056. There is no such thing as a Dwarven Battle Perm.
1057. Canadian is not a real language.
1058. When I get to the custom weapons creation section, I will keep turning those pages.
1059. Even if the villain is Lawful Evil, slapping a cease and desist order on him isn’t going to work.
1060. I will go into the villain’s lair and take him out the old fashioned way. Not just wait outside his favorite bar with a rifle.
1061. In the middle of a Black Ops I do not have time to put a banana in the exhaust port of their AV-9.
1062. Even if I think of something the Demi-lich isn’t immune to, he’s immune to it.
1063. Even if my character sheet says otherwise, I can’t max out the party with Delta class Cyberware immediately after character generation.
1064. Even if I can prove at least a half dozen practical uses for it, I can’t have a slip and slide for the dungeon crawl.
1065. Even if we are playing in the New Republic era, I can’t call dibs on Boba Fett’s armor.
1066. If the GM’s wife is in the party, I’m not allowed to hunt anything cute.
1067. I do not get to put remote detonation switches into the weapons of any PC’s I build them for.
1068. I cannot have a handgun that starts out doing more damage than most people have wounds.
1069. I do not have to check before each adventure that my fellow adventurers are not doppelgangers, Cylons or pod people.
1070. Even if we are Womprat hunting, we don’t have to dye the wookie fluorescent orange.
1071. I will go take out the villain’s dungeon the old fashioned way, and not use magic to reroute a river into it instead.
1072. After rerouting a river through the villain’s lair, I will not pan for gold wherever the river comes out.
1073. Just because the game left the rules for stun setting grossly unbalanced doesn’t mean I have to take advantage of it.
1074. Despite the name, I can’t actually wear a cloaker. But I will fail to notice the cloak weighs over a quarter ton.
1075. Metal detectors don’t automatically find Cylons.
1076. When told to dress like a Goth I will make sure with no uncertainty whether they mean black clothes and eyeliner or chainmail and shield.
1077. There is no such thing as a weresaxophonist.
1078. If 48 straight hours of pistol whipping doesn’t convince the terrorist to spill his guts, another 48 hours probably won’t either.
1079. A tattoo gun is not standard equipment in a mapping kit.
1080. The Cryokinetic is forever banned from water balloon fights.
1081. Even if the rules allow it, my sumo wrestler can’t take super human attractiveness.
1082. There is no such thing as a brothel crawl.
1083. My IRSAn will not use his powers to help fill out wikipedia articles.
1084. My sumo wrestler can’t have lap band surgery without affecting his martial arts skills.
1085. “Everybody Wang Chung tonight” is not an acceptable use of the Mass Suggestion spell.
1086. Tornadoes don’t have hit points.
1087. Even if I take twice as long, that doesn’t mean I can take 40.
1088. I cannot try and throw large blunt objects at malkavians, kobolds or kender. Or their players.
1089. Even if the game is a crappy rip-off of World of Warcraft, my character can’t speak in Leet.
1090. Even if I roll a natural 20, I can’t jump the grand cannon on a stock steam roller.
1091. In the middle of a Black Ops, if a character dies I will not disavow knowledge of him until after the mission is over.
1092. If the battle goes for 20 rounds, we don’t have to stop and wait for the zamboni guy to clean up the battlefield.
1093. I will not tell the rookies they can roll down their Y-Wing’s windows.
1094. My wizard does not need to shout out the name of what he’s summoning every time he picks a creature.
1095. Anything short of adamantine full plate is not considered light armor for dwarves.
1096. In the middle of a Black Ops I can’t start a major Corpwar just because I’m bored stiff with the current run.
1097. Even if he used INT as a dump stat, I don’t have to carve ‘this end towards enemy’ on the barbarian’s axe blade.
1098. If I’m in an assault mech, bump drafting is discouraged.
1099. After a successful Black Ops, before I’m paid I will not immediately adopt a dozen children for the tax breaks.
1100. I cannot wish that someone else was an Oscar Meyer weiner.
1101. I will not cut the vault guards in on the haul instead of fighting them.
1102. 1980’s break dancing moves have their place. In front of the Vodacce prince is not one of them.
1103. Just because I was paid in advance doesn’t mean I can let the incompetent expedition leader die.
1104. There is a limit to how much innuendo I can fit into one combat round.
1105. Even if it is just my character speaking, I will not claim Texas was stolen from Mexico. I will live longer that way.
1106. I cannot put Nodens on speed dial.
1107. I will not attempt to clear out the dungeon using only Bangalore torpedoes.
1108. Picking his pocket means more than just turning him upside down and shaking him vigorously.
1109. I will not do anything that Bilbo Baggins hates.
1110. Even if I have enough, putting silencers on my minigun doesn’t work.
1111. There is no such thing as a Magic Murder Bag of Holding.
1112. I will stop referring to the Eladrin as just the Elf Mk II.
1113. I will not shoot vampires in the chest with a large pistol just so they have to explain the embarrassing sucking chest wound.
1114. I will not take a phobia of anything that doesn’t exist in the game world.
1115. If I have an ability that lets me alter minor aspects of my appearance, that doesn’t include girth.
1116. Add Bulldozers to the list of things vampires are allergic to.
1117. Can’t strangle a werewolf with a roll of Kodak film, no matter what we all know it’s made out of.
1118. In the middle of a black ops I will not use up all the claymores just because I don’t want to take them back with me.
1119. I cannot have my mercy surgically removed.
1120. Even if I’m in charge I can’t order the Assault Lance to perform West Side Story dance routines.
1121. If given a Holy Avenger sword, I can’t melt it down and reforge it into a weapon my paladin actually uses.
1122. Even if it still give a combat bonus to everybody else, I can’t just stand there and read a comic book behind the villain.
1123. In the middle of a black ops I can’t call my girlfriend to remind her to pick up some Chinese on her way home.
1124. I will leave out mating rituals when presenting a cultural exchange with diplomatic ambassadors.
1125. Letting the Red Shirt guard the plane is really frowned upon as it doesn’t leave anybody to sacrifice to the Shoggoths.
1126. Cannot start the campaign on fire.
1127. Will not start all my skills at 89% just so I get massive SAN boosts early.
1128. I cannot RickRoll people with any video that increases their Mythos Lore.
1129. I will refrain from casting Dimension Jump and Magnificent Mansion on every police box we pass.
1130. I cannot wish we were playing the previous edition of the game.
1131. Summoning a Water Elemental right above the Fire Elemental doesn’t work.
1132. There will be no more debating how much XP Mr. Tumnus would be worth.
1133. I cannot be the Bizarro version of another player.
1134. Nowhere in my barbarian’s description will I include the word “Jaunty”
1135. My Eshu does not get bonus frequent flyer miles automatically during character generation.
1136. Doesn’t matter how big we make it, a pit trap isn’t going to take out the Tarrasque.
1137. I have to go into the dungeon, not just send in dozens of summoned creatures every morning.
1138. Fireballs don’t have a non-lethal option. I will ponder this after I’ve cast one at that guy we needed alive.
1139. My weapon is a 3 Flaming Flail. Not my Great Balls of Fire.
1140. I will not use a portable hole to cheat at golf.
1141. In the middle of a Black Ops I will not look at the target’s HR files to see if they have better benefits.
1142. I will not use the mage’s Staff of Wizardry in lieu of a pool cue.
1143. Torching the forest doesn’t get me any XP for anything inside the forest.
1144. I cannot have any gun that lets me kill the villain without being in at least an adjacent county.
1145. A 2nd level commoner is not twice as common as a 1st level commoner.
1146. If we don’t have a thief, I can’t call AAA to slim jim the dungeon entry door.
1147. I will lick the Rodian’s antennae and stick him to the wall while he sleeps.
1148. No matter how long his speech is, my sniper will not shoot the speaker introducing the target.
1149. During the psi-jump my neutral can’t do mean things to the psions while they are tripping.
1150. I will not try to feed the Qin extremely salty food to see if he melts.
1151. Our mission is to rescue the princess. Not to bring Sexy back.
1152. Even if given detailed instructions on pages 50-51, can’t take Cloud City on a joy ride.
1153. I can’t wish to change my vote on what module we’re playing.
1154. Bass line is not an acceptable perform skill specialty.
1155. Thri-kreen do not have the flaw Obsession: Pretty lights
1156. The party leader is not the one that looks best in a chainmail bikini.
1157. I can’t ‘make it rain’ before the invention of paper currency.
1158. If I make a cowboy with the young ‘un flaw I can’t name him Sioux.
1159. If I don’t have any points in medtech, I can’t try faith healing.
1160. We will not end every adventure with a public service announcement.
1161. If my character requires the GM to memorize the rules for siege warfare, he’s vetoed.
1162. We can’t trade the ranger for a giant, pirate or padre.
1163. I am forbidden from using more than ten sourcebooks to make one character.
1164. I will wait for the GM to finish his incredibly complicated riddle before answering correctly.
1165. I can’t wish for somebody to publish the rules for gnomes or bards.
1166. The time machine is not for collecting autographs.
1167. I can stop rolling at 7x dead.
1168. I am forbidden from doing anything that makes a passerby flinch.
1169. If even the rules allow it, I can’t have my uneducated peasant start with every known language.
1170. If the rules contradict Isaac Newton, Newton wins.
1171. I will not send the villain a fake message his mother is coming then attack him while he’s cleaning.
1172. My brooding costumed vigilante can’t take the flaw Dark Secret: Well Adjusted to Society.
1173. Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, Dick Clark is not Shemsu-Heru.
1174. Even if I spend the points, I can’t take the U.S.S. Montana as an ally.
1175. My knight will not buy a Shetland pony just so he can use his lance underground.
1176. I will remember the spiked chain cheesemonster is allergic to the improved sunder feat.
1177. I will stop asking NPC’s how much XP they are worth.
1178. The seduction skill does not have a to hit on roll.
1179. No matter how well I make my bluff check, the Star Destroyer crew isn’t going to believe I’m the new captain.
1180. Dressing up the wizard as the monk still won’t stop monsters from appearing beside him and attacking him first.
1181. When asked what game we want to LARP, Frogger is not an option.
1182. Chewing hoagga leaves does not make me a goddammed sexual rhinodon.
1183. No it won’t help if we put a silencer on the bazooka.
1184. When approached by a famous historical figure, I can assume he’s a time traveler and not a zombie.
1185. Paladins do too urinate.
1186. In the middle of a black ops my buttocks is forbidden from making contact with the target’s copy machine.
1187. It’s okay to feed the Ewok after midnight.
1188. Flash Bangs are not to be handed out to trick or treaters.
1189. A stagehand does not get a better sneak bonus than ninjas.
1190. I will not Conga Line the Pattern.
1191. Super powers that are only useful to art majors are vetoed.
1192. My last wish cannot be for a cage match between Cthulhu, Godzilla, Galactus and the Tarrasque.
1193. I will avoid making wishes that locks the game in an infinite time loop.
1194. I will not go to FTL just to avoid the red lights.
1195. I will not min/max the appraise skill just to clean up on The Price is Right.
1196. Even if we cleared it out, we can’t turn White Plume Mountain into a theme park.
1197. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t put a spinal mounted weapon on a bicycle.
1198. I cannot have a destroid that requires me to take the ally advantage two dozen times just to crew it.
1199. Stan Lee does not have to make a cameo appearance in every single adventure.
1200. Even if I make it out of one continuous design, a dracheneisen castle doesn’t count as one object.
1201. ‘Just blow them out the airlock’ is not a backup First Contact Protocol.
1202. Even if it’s totally feasible, I can’t indefinitely stall our rivals with a bureaucracy check.
1203. My panzerhand doesn’t get a vote.
1204. Smartass is not a character role.
1205. I can’t have any feat in the main book if the feat is written in pencil.
1206. In the middle of a Black Ops I can’t download several thousands songs on the target’s computer and then call the RIAA.
1207. There is no such thing as ‘ambiguously elven’
1208. Even if he is Chaotic Evil, I can’t turn state’s evidence against a fellow party member.
1209. Even if the boss monster has 100% magic resistance, my wizard can’t go catch a movie.
1210. I will keep rolling until I get a superpower I can actually use.
1211. I cannot have any gun that has an NPC Only Trigger Guard.
1212. Even if they’d never suspect it, my Jedi can’t have a flamethrower.
1213. No, we can’t see if the party can beat Temple of Elemental Evil in under an hour.
1214. I will stop trying to put the Halfling in a diabetic coma.
1215. If I’m just a few XP from 16th level, I can’t just cast fireballs at random forests until I hit something.
1216. I can’t have a gun that treats buildings as light cover.
1217. No matter what the dice just said, I didn’t kill the villain with the first shot of the combat.
1218. Elves do not have to go to the bathroom in groups.
1219. Penguins will not fit in the standard ether jar.
1220. The Vulcan neck pinch doesn’t work in campaigns without Vulcans.
1221. Just because my sword is intelligent doesn’t mean he can do my math homework for me.
1222. It's a strangehold. Not an Ogryn neck pinch.
1223. Ussuran women are not instantly recognizable by their beards.
1224. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t hit Stone with the Stone Cold Stunner.
1225. Having more beer than the enemy doesn’t give me a morale bonus for the mass combat chart.
1226. No feat allows me to open beer cans with my pects.
1227. The Death Star does not need a cabin boy.
1228. ‘Overused cliché’ is not an appropriate favored enemy.
1229. I cannot gain Drama Dice in games I’m not actually in.
1230. It’s okay if you name your Kindred Alucard. But I still can’t name my Garou Namflow.
1231. No matter how low Orc intelligence, they aren’t going to fall for a large wooden horse outside the gates of Mordor.
1232. “Head, Heart, Run” is not our posse’s motto.
1233. No matter how much sense it makes, we can’t paint the Glitterboy a camo scheme.
1234. My first act as XO can’t be a mutiny.
1235. Not allowed to use the replicator and transporter to fill the Bird of Prey with Jello.
1236. I can’t take Invisibility to Detect Invisibility.
1237. My fighter can’t use the Monster Manual as a To-Do list.
1238. No making up Patron Saints.
1239. No part of the adventure is clothing optional.
1240. No matter what the dice say, I didn’t just seduce Chun Li. And Cammy.
1241. It takes more than one pick pocket roll to totally derail the campaign.
1242. I can’t wish that somebody competent wrote this module.
1243. Even if the game is dreadfully repetitive, our party is motto can’t be ‘Wash, Rinse, Repeat’
1244. I will not point out the Drow Matron would make more money as an exotic dancer. Even if it’s true.
1245. Must at least pay lip service to the metaplot.
1246. It’s not possible to stampede dwarves.
1247. When told to pick a published superhero to play, Johnny Cash is not allowed. Paul Stanley is perfectly acceptable.
1248. There is no such thing as a strap on beard.
1249. It doesn’t matter if he took the large advantage, we aren’t using the Ussuran as ballast.
1250. I will address the other PC as Lord Tyrion, Eldritch Knight of the Winter Court. And not just as the Sidhe Male.
1251. Even the rules disagree, my character can still drown.
1252. I cannot take the following as my favored enemies: Southpaws, Mother-in-law or Keynesian Economists.
1253. Even if I’m being shanghaied into playing a rather crappy campaign, can’t use Constitution as a dump stat.
1254. We aren’t luring the Arasaka agents out of the safehouse by making ice cream truck noises.
1255. Splitting the atom at will is not an acceptable super power.
1256. ‘Ignore the metaplot’ is also not an acceptable super power.
1257. No, the answer to the problem is not to make a gatling gun out of bazookas.
1258. Can’t base my character off a smurf.
1259. Even if I could base my character off a smurf, Ghurka Smurf was not a real smurf.
1260. No matter what the dice say, my renaissance inventor didn’t just invent manned space flight.
1261. If the villain’s three room lair holds over one hundred brutes, can’t just tip off the Fire Marshal.
1262. No rerouting the roller coaster through the Umbra.
1263. Can’t blame it on my gun.
1264. Will not retrofit my Federation Starship with fuses.
1265. Heavy bolters don’t come with a pistol grip.
1266. I will stop referring to my rogue as a freelance subterranean locksmith.
1267. The lockpicking kit must be more than a sawed off shotgun.
1268. Dwarves are physically incapable of performed the Dance of the Seven Veils.
1269. Even if the guy I based my character off was famous for doing it, I can’t kill eight guys with one bullet.
1270. Weapon Focus: Nukes is not a real feat.
1271. There will not be any sex in other player’s battlemechs.
1272. My Paladin can be charged with sexual harassment if he doesn’t watch exactly where he lays on hands.
1273. Any character that makes a seasoned Rifts player flinch is vetoed, and shall never be spoken of again.
1274. I can’t check the Soul Forge in as baggage.
1275. Will not reanimate dead familiars just to keep them around for sentimental reasons.
1276. Freeing slaves out of justice is good. Out of spite, not so much.
1277. No I can’t have an H. R. Giger Counter.
1278. An elf wardancer chick in nothing but body paint is totally hot. A Vesten berserker in nothing but body paint not so much.
1279. Basing characters off gestalt of historical characters is fine unless it’s Miyamoto Musashi and the mom from What’s Happening.
1280. Gold dragons do not conduct electricity better than other dragons.
1281. The two primary types of Halfling are not flathead and Phillips.
1282. My mad scientist does not get to divide the party into control and test groups.
1283. For the last time, the elf wears the maid disguise and the troll wears the bouncer disguise.
1284. There is no such thing as a Gnomish Pygmy Seeing Eye Rhino either.
1285. Just because I can play a charismatic Vestenmannavnjar missionary cleric, doesn’t mean I should.
1286. My Buddhist monk will lose the cockney accent.
1287. Let’s not taunt the minotaur with ‘How appropriate, you fight like a cow’
1288. I will spend my martial arts technique points on things other than blocking and running away.
1289. Even if the rules allow it, a laser sight doesn’t add to my chaingun’s accuracy. Yes, even if I have one on each barrel.
1290. I will refrain to take character roles that the game forgot to make any rules for.
1291. Just because I’m playing an anthropomorphic Emperor Marmoset doesn’t give me the noble advantage for free.
1292. Cannot bribe the target’s HR director to start casual Fridays just to make our upcoming Black Ops easier that week.
1293. I can’t avoid plot mandated ambushes no matter how hard I try.
1294. No I can’t have a magelock mini-slugger.
1295. I will not spend all my freebie points buying quantakinetic auxiliary modes.
1296. No we can’t weld the Star Destroyer’s bridge shut.
1297. There is a 100xp penalty every time we remind the GM of the Bionic Six.
1298. If the adventure includes the birth of a god, we still can’t file for holiday pay that day.
1299. In the middle of a Black Ops I can’t compose an offensive joke on the target CEO’s email and CC the entire company.
1300. If the GM can’t lift all the GURPS books needed to run my character, he’s vetoed.
1301. The 10’ pole in the starting equipment list cannot support the weight of an exotic dancer.
1302. Scorched Earth Day is not a holiday, even in Cyberpunk.
1303. Nothing in Victoria’s Secret catalog is available in Dracheneisen.
1304. Even if they are better in combat according to character generation, the USMC frowns on octogenarians in front line combat.
1305. No amount of background will allow me to name the character Biff Buttoms.
1306. State Troopers are immune to the effects of the Delirium, so I need to find another way out of that speeding ticket.
1307. No matter how well I make my fashion roll, L’Empereur is not going to the ball dressed in a Catholic school girl’s uniform.
1308. Everybody was not gun-fu fighting.
1309. Even if my character is Canadian, that doesn’t mean he can take a 1.524 meter free step.
1310. I will pick my character’s girlfriend based on something more than how much fire support she can provide.
1311. I will not one shot an Eisenfurst.
1312. The plan will not continue until the GM finds out who Zan Tabak is.
1313. I will do nothing that tarnishes Hello Kitty’s memory.
1314. Gravity defying breasts, while impressive, do not count as a super power.
1315. Even if my character is Orthodox Jewish, I will check other characters’ pulse before trying to bury them.
1316. A NASCAR pit crew cannot repair all my vehicle’s damage in one round.
1317. My character will refrain from appearing with Hitler in any history books. Especially if I’m chasing him with a wheat thresher.
1318. Fauner Posen’s Boy Toy is not technically a position at court.
1319. I will only use the module’s suggested tactics to stop the ground assault and ignore the squadron of Y-Wings 100 meters away.
1320. There is no such thing as a Ballista-o-Gram.
1321. I will not accuse the Traveler News Service of liberal bias.
1322. The Ewok does not appreciate the giant hamster wheel we put in his quarters. Ingrate.
1323. I will not spend my entire Muster bonus on lottery tickets.
1324. If another player took the Disadvantage: Stutters, I can’t play a K’Kree.
1325. Black and Decker does not make droids either.
1326. I will not blow all my points on extra limbs just so I can play the superhero “Millipede Man”
1327. Just because the Great Race of Yith’s effect on sanity is minimal, doesn’t mean I should invite them over for dinner with the folks.
1328. The very concept of a Hutt lap dancer will earn me a dark side point.
1329. The M203 is not for long range bocce ball.
1330. Getting someone to spot for me is not going to give me a bonus on a strength check.
1331. I will not hex someone into looking like a piñata. Especially in Mexico City.
1332. Even if silence is required for the entire adventure, we are not naming the Black Ops Operation: Mimecrime.
1333. I will tell the noob the game is about post nuclear Europe and not love struck vampires before we start.
1334. You cannot tell if somebody is a power gamer by the faint smell of Gouda.
1335. I can not filibuster in the middle of my dying speech to buy the cleric more time.
1336. Even if we are told to pick a manly name for the game, Genocidicles is a bit much.
1337. Can’t lure the Bastet into an ambush by turning on the can opener.
1338. Jack Lalanne: Wrong type of Juicer.
1339. If unsure of what side of the road we drive on, the middle of the road is not a healthy compromise.
1340. Brute squads make poor bridesmaids. The reverse is not necessarily true.
1341. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot become famous for not being famous.
1342. There is no god of Wombats, no matter how much I pray.
1343. If I have to explain to the halfling’s sister why we dressed him like a raccoon, we’re all in trouble.
1344. No matter how cool it would be, we can’t use the time machine to loan Ike a few A-10 squadrons for D-Day.
1345. I don’t get a drama die just because the GM pees.
1346. I will not waste wishes on professional sporting events.
1347. Hooking up with the gamer chick the Storyteller was angling for gets me banned from the game.
1348. When attempting to lure the giant to sleep with a bardic lullaby, I will leave out the lyric “So we can kill you.”
1349. I will not program the medical droid for “aggressive dentistry.”
1350. I will not dare the wage mage into trying to summon a class 20 spirit.
1351. Guardian mode is not just for flipping people the bird in the middle of battle.
1352. Even if we are issued a nuke, I'm not allowed to touch it.
1353. I will stop trying to get a reality TV show for our Black Ops team.
1354. We are not going to stall 10,000 Uruk-Hai with a fake tollbooth.
1355. Pointing out the massive plothole in the villain's plan is not going to stop her from attacking.
1356. Before we start, let's make sure whether everybody blows up if I shoot a shield with a lasgun.
1357. Preliminary saturation carpet bombing is not automatically Plan A.
1358. Even if I only get to swing a sword once per minute, I can't stop to smoke between attacks.
1359. I can't call my gun by a stupid nickname, even if it's the one that the game suggested.
1360. Woodchippers, while useful, aren't normal gear for a Black Ops.
1361. I will not tell the new players gelatinous cubes come in a variety of yummy flavors.
1362. The cleric is not tax exempt.
1363. No matter how much fun, we are not retrofitting a tank with jumpjets.
1364. I cannot mint my own currency.
1365. Just because they make a miniature with that ability, doesn't mean I can take that ability.
1366. I will not use the mass suggestion spell to make the elf babes to make out.
1367. Gnomes are not nature's tripods.
1368. Dwarves do not groom themselves like cats. Or baboons.
1369. Elves do to have nipples.
1370. Halflings are not used as currency.
1371. "Biggio leans into pitch" is not a real kung fu maneuver.
1372. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot have a monofilament sledgehammer.
1373. If we can't fit the droid in the freighter, I can't play him.
1374. No matter I well I make the animal handling roll, I can't break in a Juggernaught of Khorne.
1375. Setting Jawas on fire with a magnifying glass is an automatic dark side point.
1376. Motorcycle tires will cause aggravated wounds on a case by case basis.
1377. No feat affects hang time.
1378. We will limit the total amount of conversation on the topic of "Hot Gnome on Gnome action."
1379. I will not threaten to glue the old rules for gnomes over the new rules for Elves Mk II.
1380. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot disarm someone in melee with a longbow.
1381. I will just not dump the vampire in the Umbra and call it a day.
1382. Growing a goatee will not give me a bonus for sneaking into the villain's lair.
1383. Portable Plothole is not a real magic item.
1384. I will not start a Ponzi scheme involving the entire party.
1385. Even if I couldn't attend the session when everything went to hell, it's still my fault.
1386. The Stanley Cup does not have the same power as the Holy Grail, even on Canadians.
1387. The MMORPG convert doesn't actually have to role play in his first game.
1388. Characters wanting to join the party do not have to undergo the Flash Gordon tree monster ceremony.
1389. I cannot have a palanquin in my starting gear.
1390. Having a reputation for having a reputation does not grant me more reputation.
1391. I will quit hogging the legend chips.
1392. No digging out all the bullets in my character and reusing them.
1393. No using the grapple rules to change the course of history.
1394. I will not take on the entire dungeon using only one body part to attack.
1395. Eldar really hate it when you greet them with "Live long and prosper"
1396. No matter his condition, we aren’t selling the villain’s corpse as modern art.
1397. Count on a back up villain if we ace the first one in two rounds without damage.
1398. I will not give my preteen kids my work number, especially if I’m on a Black Ops.
1399. The Monkey Grip feat doesn’t have anything to do with gripping monkeys.
1400. Winona Ryder’s bare breasts are not an acceptable weakness for my super hero.
1401. I will stop shooting at natural disasters.
1402. No spending all my starting gold on just a loincloth.
1403. Can't use dominate to make vampires forget to change their clocks for Daylight Savings Time.
1404. I will not spoil the adventure's mandatory ambush by using the cheesy tactic of a "scout".
1405. It's obvious I'm just playing a skald so I can sing "Bjeorning, Bjoerning, Disco Inferno"
1406. The primary dwarf subraces are Sedimentary, Igneous and Metamorphic.
1407. I will not vote to play a game that has needed a rules decision from an economist.
1408. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot fence with a katana.
1409. I can't have a skill if the rules say I can't have, even if the rules say I'm also good at it.
1410. Bleaching the drow won't help.
1411. Despite what the rules say, bobsledding through the Vatican is much harder than it looks.
1412. I will not make the DM break out the siege rules until I'm at least second level.
1413. Even if the dungeon has only one exit, can't just starve the villain out.
1414. A Black Ops is not the appropriate place to declare my candidacy for mayor.
1415. Carpet bombing is not an appropriate specialization for a starting character.
1416. The guy with the meltagun doesn't automatically have to carry the popcorn.
1417. I do not have time in the Black Ops to play Tetris with the building lights.
1418. The Elvish language is not just English with a hell of a lot of lisping.
1419. I cannot convert to Scottish just for tax purposes.
1420. Doing 50 in a 45 does not cause an alignment check for the paladin.
1421. Gods don't tap out.
1422. Montaigne aren't required to surrender after the second turn.
1423. Eisenfurst Wishce didn't appreciate the lap dance.
1424. I will keep the fact the king's heraldry looks like a ferret in need of the Heimlich Maneuver to myself.
1425. Lying about benefits being cut are not going make the guards too disgruntled to fight back later.
1426. I am not "He who must not be named only in passing."
1427. It is not a race to 0 SAN.
1428. No spending half the game session seeing what rhymes with Nyarlathotep.
1429. Even if I did manage to work all the lyrics to 22 Acacia Avenue in character in the game, no bonus XP.
1430. If the party goes out like 300, that's cool. Thelma and Louise not so much.
1431. When the DM sobers up, my paladin's flumph mount is as good as dead.
1432. Using my prior knowledge of the adventure to force the game along while encouraged, is discouraged.
1433. Zentradi are not good eating.
1434. Emergency supplies are not for childish pranks.
1435. The "Dibs" system is not a recognized method of promotion in the Ordo Malleus.
1436. In case of premature termination, the dungeon boss has an identical twin brother on standby.
1437. High recoil guns and roller skates are not an accepted method of transportation.
1438. You can't find true names in a phone book.
1439. If the top floor is too well defended, can't just blow off the next to top floor.
1440. Can't start the game with echolocation.
1441. I will not wait until the first combat to tell the new guy that the lower his AC the better.
1442. In the middle of a Black Ops I don't have time to elope.
1443. Wizards do not have to save against carpal tunnel syndrome.
1444. My Ally advantage and Arch Enemy flaw can't both represent the same person.
1445. If I take a Buddhist monk I get lots of combat bonuses that I can't use without violating my religion.
1446. Even if the rules allow it, can't catch bullets with my pects.
1447. My Bard will not take a trombone just so he can attack and use his bard song at the same time.
1448. No such thing as preemptive last rites.
1449. Any plan that would quickly, logically and safely defeat the module early is doomed to failure.
1450. Cannot summon an elemental out of any material that only exists in a laboratory environment.
1451. Cannot name my Droid WEG-D6
1452. Despite it's phenomenal success rate, a multi-melta is not the solution to all my problems.
1453. When the dwarf has an idea, no making the "He's drunk" motion behind his back.
1454. The paladin does not appreciate us painting his dire tiger green and orange.
1455. Like a cow who goes to the well to often, I will stop speaking only in metaphors.
1456. Will not blow all my skill points on just ballroom dances.
1457. I will remember the Japanese response to uncomfortable situations is to giggle, not a kick in the kiwis.
1458. The ability to mimic other people's luck powers does not make me a karma chameleon.
1459. Even if the game is set in 1912, the female characters get a vote on the party's action.
1460. Even if the rules allow it, can't fish with a flamethrower.
1461. I will not insist on playing a LAM pilot just to see if the Robotech lawyers were really serious.
1462. Dwarves do not have the racial ability to merge into a larger, more powerful dwarf.
1463. I will not take Resources 0 and Status 5 and just confiscate money as I need it.
1464. Cannot use the requisition skill to get a beach house in the Virgin islands, even if Congress can.
1465. My sideburns cannot earn their own fear rating.
1466. I must sing my kids to sleep before the black ops.
1467. I will not sing other characters' kids to sleep before, during or after the black ops.
1468. None of the Summon Animal spells will get me the drummer from the Muppets.
1469. No crossclassing just to get all the different animal sidekicks.
1470. Will not break it to the other player her 3 1/2' elf is not taller than my 3'6" tall gnome.
1471. The party will not enter into a tontine, that just encourages the evil players.
1472. No matter what the rules say, I can't chase the villain around the map indefinately.
1473. When I'm told to get an alias, they didn't mean that chick with the azure bonds.
1474. The concept of puberty is not alien to the elves.
1475. There is more to playing a Finn than cellphones, reindeer and sniper rifles.
1476. Even if I have a salient point, I won't call the Rush Limbaugh show in the middle of a Black Ops.
1477. If I'm playing an alien, I can't have alkaline for blood.
1478. Burning Orb spell doesn't cause jock itch.
1479. Using the time machine to put 'W' at the front of the alphabet is silly.
1480. I will not add the restriction "only to cook eggs" to any of my super powers.
1481. The Island of Small Breasted Fantasy Females does not exist.
1482. Even if Detroit can do it, I can't add the trait "Randomly bursts into flame" to my car.
1483. There is more to stopping a zombie horde than punji pits.
1484. Just because I can, doesn't mean I should drop a house on the witch.
1485. No amounts of dots in fashion will let me use my bio-varg for formal wear.
1486. I cannot convince the entire party to play Squats.
1487. I cannot take a sidekick if all he's gonna do is trail us with a high powered rifle.
1488. Dropping a tree on the lich creates more rules problems that its worth.
1489. My bard will not stop every passing minstrel for a round of Dueling Banjos.
1490. I will not use the ventriloquism skill to deliver bad news to the Emperor.
1491. Even if the rules allow it, can't add the High Speed Pursuit Option to a steamroller.
1492. I will not turn the DM into a drinking game.
1493. No metamagic feat lets me add fragmentation to my spells.
1494. When playing a teleporter, I will buy the ability to actually teleport.
1495. I will not just buy the ability to teleport everybody but me.
1496. When I'm out of character, the hand puppets come off.
1497. I will not use the time machine to make "Don't blame me, I voted for Tilden" bumper stickers.
1498. Shooting him in the foot first does not give me a bonus to the ridicule check.
1499. Even if historical accuracy is important in the adventure, I will not become the Nazi Nazi.
1500. I will not convince the dragon to eat the elf instead because he's organically grown.
Rest is here:
I will not fill my bag of holding with Cockatrice to use as a WMD
I had a party do that with a basilisk.
I got rid of it by using a curtain with a medusa behind it: 2 statues in extremely lifelike detail resulted. :-)
Aw...he looks so sad. He should be, I got like 3xp for that guy. Needed something like 60,000 more. Ah 1st ed XP charts...
Every time I look, there's more!
Well I keep getting invited back for more. Though my run of luck finding decent games has hit a rut lately. D&D game with Dwarven Death Metal bard died out, Shadowrun campaign got too crowded (8+) for my tastes. 7th Sea is on hold due to outside conflicts of timing.
Thanks. I didn't know about that page, and now have it bookmarked. :-)
This is absolutely hilarious and wonderful to read.
You mean you can't name your char Blast Hardcheese?
I will not dry-fire the canon as an effort to deal wind damage.
These have all happened in the Dark Heresy game I'm running
In general, listing any of the Chaos Gods as a reference when applying for the Inquisiton is probably a bad idea.
Not allowed to lobotomize an Ork with a Meltagun
Using a chainsword to shave = BAD IDEA
After insinuating the Grey Knight is gay, the combined fate points of the entire party won't save me from that Nemesis Force Halberd.
Just because the attack did enough damage to liquify the Horror doesn't mean we're having "Horror Stew" for dinner.
Blacklights are not a sign of heresy
No matter what skills the Tech-Priest has, he can't use the ship's escape pods like missiles.
Orks do not speak "Orkney"
Don't ever stop, man, don't ever stop.
Hm, here's two of mine, from the same player:
Don't put a brick of C4 on the dragon's belly when you're standing on a narrow ledge, and
If you attack a whale with a shotgun and miss, from the inside, it's probably best you reroll your character.
Not allowed to spend all my downtime on weapon skills just because I'm competing with another player to reach the top of the skill tree.
Not allowed to flay a PC just to test a theory about the monsters.
Not allowed to ignore the plot in favour of building an underwater exploration device.
Not allowed to dual wield greatswords.
Not allowed to cast spells 'by my godly powers of ref'. Or by my awesome ming. Or by realignment of chakras.
Not allowed to rename high-level prayer spells 'Detect Plot', even if that's what they do.
Not allowed to dual wield shields.
My investigator is not "hooked on Chthonics"
If I can't pronounce the demon lord's name, can't just call him "Blake"
Whoever has the most Corruption Points is not who's "winning"
May I have permission to icon some of these? Proper credit and a link to your entries would be provided, of course.
Sure. Somebody else already has about 20 icons done.
My 6th level party once killed a demi-lich using rabbits.
Little white fluffy rabbits with big sharp pointy teeth.
I will not kill the shopkeeper to steal his entire inventory with his own portable hole.
I will not use any bardic music power to join with a siren's song to 'see how it sounds' this goes double for charm and fascinate abilities.
I will not harass the tavern patrons for no reason.
When someone suggests stripping the enemy elf, I am not allowed to volunteer just to steal his equipment.
My Samurai's backstory will not be that his daimyo sent him to search for mudkips (or any other internet meme)
I humbly bow before your epic powers of gaming humor. I lost count of how many times I had to stop reading the list, so I could stop laughing and catch my breath.
A few things I've seen and done:
-The proper response to "We have to confiscate your weapon, ma'am" is not to roll initiative.
-There is a difference between giving the female druid the gift of a spear and "giving her the spear".
-Gnomes are not Usually Evil.
-The elf chick played by Creepy Old Guy is not the ship's morale officer, nor can said elf chick use the party's bunkroom to increase the crew's morale.
-No more axe puns. Period.
-It's a bad idea to argue rules with the game shop owner.
-Must not call the party cleric a "delusional armor-wearing sorceress", even if your character is an atheist.
-If the druid wishes to protest the killing of giant spiders by refusing to accompany the party, he shouldn't whine when he doesn't get any XP.
-Force-feeding a healing potion to a lich does not damage her with positive healing energy.
-My gnome girl must not traumatize the wizard by thinking about the halfling sorcerer's cute butt while said wizard is casting detect thoughts.
What kind of damage did you think of for #1062?
"-No more axe puns. Period."
Do you mind if I axe you a question about that?
Oh boy, do I have a long way to go.
So, I know that I'm particularly late in joining in the congratulations here, but this list is really something.
"1112. I will stop referring to the Eladrin as just the Elf Mk II."
No fucking kidding. . . when I was asked what the Eladrin are, I said that they were elves with "50% more elfiness"
These are absolutely priceless. I would pay to have you in my gaming group!
I have one!!!
Clear is not the verbal component for call lightning. (I actually did this!!)
These are examples from my Bliss Stage games.
1) My giant robot's primary weapon is not the Shining Finger.
2) Or a Giga Drill Breaker.
3) Keenan Caine did not get his girlfriend pregnant just by kissing her.
4) I am not allowed to use, "Hey, babe, wanna upgrade my mech?" as a pick-up line.
5) In or out of character.
6) "My character is an Innocent Sweetheart named Simon Digger." "He Blisses Out. Next character."
7) I am allowed to use the phrase Intimacy 5 to describe sexual relationships. My characters are not.
8) "My character is an Eager Young Soldier named Duo Max-" "-he dies horribly. Next?"
9) I am not allowed to run The Bliss of Haruhi Suzumia.
10) The Authority Figure is under no circumstances allowed to use the phrase, "RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAH!"
11) "My character is a Rising Hero named Gai Daigo-" "NO."
12) I am not allowed to run Ouran High School Resistance Pilots.
"Ouran High School Resistance Pilots." I would play or watch that, any time.
Wow, I've done a couple of these! Most notably naming PCs after some of Servo's suggestions.
Nothing more fun than LARPing an orc named Roll Fizzlebeef.
These are hilarious! I'm in so much pain from laughing! XD
My street samurai character can not use any part of the Shaft theme song in any way. Even if he's black.
Am no longer allowed to bring pepper into the dungeon to make the Dragonblooded sneeze on the monsters.
"But Richard Gariot did it!" justifies nothing.
I will stop pointing out that every building the GM designs is devoid of bathrooms.
I will not curb stomp the vampire PC, even if he is being a raging fuckwad and my legs, due to a potion, count as magical weapons that bypass his damage resistance.