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Things Mr. Welch can no longer in an RPG 1501-2000 [Oct. 6th, 2009|06:04 pm]
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1501. I will not take the mirror image spell literally and just shoot the wizard that's not left handed.
1502. My first wish can't be to invalidate the previous character's last wish.
1503. Despite what the rules say, it doesn't take 45 minutes to choke a 10th level fighter to death.
1504. I cannot take the parachute skill until somebody invents the parachute.
1505. We are not going through the phone book to see who's name is a killing word either.
1506. It is not automatically assumed whatever vehicle my cop commandeers is a monster truck.
1507. North Equatorial Kansas is not a real state.
1508. Nowhere in the timeline is Superfly McBoomboom a US vice president.
1509. No part of the Constitution is written in invisible ink.
1510. The Movie Phone Guy can't be the voice of the ship's computer.
1511. No using the time machine to set the "Star Spangled Banner" to anything by White Zombie.
1512. My canine officer can't spend his animal requisition cash to buy two dozen chihuahuas.
1513. I will not shoot a Great Old One just to say I did it.
1514. I will make it abundantly clear the guy playing my mortal enemy is a good friend in real life.
1515. The Pope does not have cyberpsychosis.
1516. I will not wish we were still playing Torg.
1517. Checking to see if the Mad Slasher is dead is ok, dismembering him with a shotgun is overkill.
1518. My Sniper will not kill all the bad guys before the rest of the party is in range.
1519. In the middle of a Black Ops I can't sell my niece's band candy to the hostages.
1520. I will tell the noobs the storyteller wasn't joking about kicking people in the jewels for macking on jailbait.
1521. While not lethal, Ferris Wheels aren't exactly healthy to vampires.
1522. Outside of Kingwood Community College moose antlers do not mean 'Out of Character'.
1523. Stain glass windows are not a standard feature on Panzer tanks.
1524. The spell Extract Water Elemental doesn't work on Water Elementals.
1525. I will not waste critical successes on drumming.
1526. Can't use my pistols to communicate in Morse Code.
1527. There is no Patron Saint of the Dodecahedron.
1528. I can't ask the bad guy if I fired 40,000 rounds or just 39,999.
1529. There is no such thing as a Thirty-Sevensexual
1530. We are not sneaking in Mordor dressed as tour guides.
1531. Even if it does take the thief 10 minutes to search the room, that's not enough time for a quickie.
1532. If its cheaper to buy a new gun than reload the old one, there's a problem.
1533. Even if the rules allow it, can't have a belt fed pistol.
1534. I will raise my hand if I've already heard the the DM's riddle.
1535. The spell is called Prismatic Spray, not Taste the Rainbow.
1536. Before we start the dungeon crawl, I don't have to have my monk oiled down.
1537. My Rogue Trader does not need to announce his arrival with eight hours of orbital bombardment.
1538. My mage can't just sleepwalk to get around resting for spells.
1539. When the power gamer sleeps, can't move the camp down the road.
1540. Can't lure out House Laio mechwarriors by announcing a Chinese Firedrill.
1541. While highly effective, grabbing his a man by his small intestine and making him talk like a ventriloquist dummy is frowned on.
1542. My superhero didn't survive the purge of supers by just playing left offensive guard for the Detroit Lions.
1543. My warhammer doesn't have a claw part.
1544. Not allowed to just blow the supports under Menzoberranzan.
1545. No matter how appreciated, I have to have a better super power than 'cures cancer by touch'
1546. I can't spend Ship Points to put a Starbucks on the bridge.
1547. I will stop making up Space Marine Chapters.
1548. My netrunner's icon has to be something other than the Space Invaders ship.
1549. The totalitarian government tends to notice large purchases of cows, trebuchets and surveying gear.
1550. The Dirty Harry 'Feeling Lucky Punk' speech doesn't work with a longbow.
1551. During the Black Ops all cell phones go on vibrate.
1552. My Lunar Class Cruiser has more than one bathroom.
1553. I can't wish my girlfriend was hot like you.
1554. Archvillains don't care about zoning restrictions.
1555. No matter how well I roll on my intimidate check, France won't surrender.
1556. I do not have weapon proficiency in Craftsman.
1557. I will not horde Electrum in 2nd edition because I know it will be phased out.
1558. No Dire Marmot mounts until they publish the rules.
1559. Any mention of Life Day gets everybody a dark side point.
1560. My character is not addicted to the Feeling, the Shindig, or Love.
1561. Not possible to tattoo the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel anywhere on my body.
1562. Weapon codes mean Bludgeoning, Slashing and Piercing. Not Ballistic, Serrated and Pneumatic.
1563. Dwarves have to take the platemail off before sex.
1564. Superspeed gives immunity to friction.
1565. Shapechanging is an acceptable super power. Shapechanging only into the '93 San Diego Padres is not.
1566. Bunk Cards are not for 3 card monte.
1567. I don't get to play anybody's Shadow.
1568. Werewolves normally do not have access to the 'Sonnet' Specialization.
1569. The opening lyrics to Rock of Ages are not an acceptable substitute to a real plan.
1570. No signing infernal contracts in disappearing ink.
1571. Can't bluff the Empire at Hoth with just a whole bunch of snowmen.
1572. The Navigator has Warp Sight. Not Insane-o-Vision.
1573. Attempting to woo the Space Elf Clown does not turn the adventure into a Harlequin romance.
1574. I do not have to scan the Romulan ambassador for cooties.
1575. Apaches do not settle arguments by Indian Leg Wrestling.
1576. I will tell the new player fantasy games means gnomes and wizards not assless chaps and jumper cables.
1577. The degauss gun is not a real gun.
1578. Every time the halfing gets a critical hit I don't have to feed him a snack.
1579. No one in the party gets to name their character Kurgen McAsskicker.
1580. I will not spend 30 minutes of the game trying to buy an accordion.
1581. I will stop using crew as hit points.
1582. I need to stop telling new players bards were the original prestige class.
1583. Even if the rules allow it, can't take a prestige class at level 4.
1584. Even if the rules allow it, you can't sneak with a running chainsaw.
1585. Vegipygmies are not a part of this complete breakfast.
1586. The Progenitor's job is not just to supply 'the good stuff'.
1587. There is no way the Iteration X mage is going to make it through airport security.
1588. It's not ok to stick the Syndicate agent with the check every single time.
1589. We aren't calling the NWO agent at odd hours just to answer trivia questions.
1590. We will buy a GPS already so we don't have to drag the Void Engineer everywhere.
1591. Rokea do not make pacman noises when they attack.
1592. If the Solar cringes, it's time to reassess my alignment.
1593. Even if the rules allow it, I can't build myself an Imperator Titan.
1594. Flak armor is not just a muscle shirt with the word "ARMOR" stenciled on it.
1595. We aren't raising the villain from the dead because we haven't killed him enough yet.
1596. Even if she's the most dangerous, the party doesn't appreciate me killing the naked chick first.
1597. Devils don't appreciate natural 20's on a bargain check.
1598. If my gun can easily kill everything in the room, I go last in initiative.
1599. There is no prize for having the prettiest werewolf.
1600. Even if the rules allow it, I can't mount a flamethrower on a knife.
1601. Cephalopods do not get bonuses to attack Japanese women.
1602. Druids have many roles in the party. Minesweeper is not one of them.
1603. I am not El Vago the Gay Blade.
1604. When told to pick a number between 1 and 10, the answer is not pi.
1605. I cannot have a bluetooth telegraph.
1606. If my fireballs always form a mushroom cloud, time to tone it down a bit.
1607. They do not sell tire spikes at Kaybee Toys.
1608. I cannot kill any man in a way made famous by Rutger Hauer.
1609. Even if I am captain, I can't have my men portage my frigate.
1610. If the GM says 3d6 straight down, he didn't mean it if that gives me a pixie fairy berserker.
1611. Even if she started it, no setting the princess on fire.
1612. There is no such thing as Boobs +1.
1613. No matter how much they enjoy it, no juggling halfling children.
1614. I will stop telling the noob the Star Wars universe celebrates people exploding at the age of 25.
1615. Despite what the rules say, a dracheneisen life preserver is a bad idea.
1616. Despite what the math says, elves do not gestate for an entire decade.
1617. I will not take the flaw Enemy: Paranoids.
1618. Any character even remotely resembling Mr. B Natural is dead before the first dice are rolled.
1619. If the elf is rolling badly doesn't mean we need to water him.
1620. I will not use the druid's chakram to play frisbee with his dire wolf.
1621. No using the Reduce spell to only to buy a child's ticket at the movies.
1622. Militech does not have a wedding registry.
1623. Can't thwart the Cylon's massive attack just by installing Norton Antivirus.
1624. It is bad form to sing along with the elevator music in a Black Ops.
1625. Verbena weigh more than a duck.
1626. My character's favorite color is not Burnt Umber Hulk.
1627. Getting a blue chip for humor does not entitle me to an acceptance speech.
1628. If all the players have to pool their d6's so I can roll for initiative, time to retire the character.
1629. I can't medal in ass kicking.
1630. Starships do not have to drop anchor.
1631. Starfleet's rules on using the Holodeck for recreating scenes from Caligula are very clear.
1632. I will not blow all my starting cash on just housecats.
1633. If Plan A was 'Beat it out of him' Plan B can't be 'Just ask nicely'
1634. If it's revealed Shakespeare was the author of Funky Cold Medina my time machine privileges are revoked.
1635. No bioengineering dolphins to shot laser beams out of their blowholes.
1636. Animals native to Australia are not eligible for my druid's companion.
1637. 'Dibs' is not a term of bereavement.
1638. Using the dwarf as a battering ram is expected. Other siege weapons not so much.
1639. No giving a character a dumb name so he can pick fights over it later.
1640. There is a limit to the number of adjectives I can attach to an uppercut.
1641. No matter what it says, my intelligent vorpal sword is not getting rewarded with a candy bar.
1642. No matter what the rules say, antibiotics can't make a man's head explode.
1643. Despite precedent, if the travel gets rough, we can't eat the bard.
1644. Even if it fills the mission parameters, no machete killing sprees dressed like Carmen Miranda.
1645. One more bad pun for a character name and I'm forbidden from playing in the Furry RPG.
1646. I am not Wombatman.
1647. Any character requiring the GM to tab more than 10 pages of rules for reference is vetoed.
1648. Even if we are playing in the old west, can't spend all my money on leather, whips and barbed wire.
1649. I can't free the cannibals' prisoners by starting a food fight with them.
1650. Venting non-essential crew to the void before payday is not an acceptable cost cutting measure.
1651. No teaching halflings how to fly.
1652. My negamagician will not taunt the wage mage Brer Rabbit style.
1653. The power gamer would appreciate me not bringing the book with the rule he is grotesquely abusing.
1654. A warning shot is not one that just wounds him.
1655. No using the halfling as a grappling hook.
1656. Starting a flame war on the internet is bad. Starting a flame war not on the internet is much, much worse.
1657. My halberdier is not guisarmed and dangerous.
1658. The words "Rock Opera" will not appear in any of my wishes.
1659. Just because he has specialization in observation skills does not mean 'he likes to watch'.
1660. Even if we just stole all their alkaline chemicals, that does not mean all their base belongs to us.
1661. Cleaning out the dungeon means more than just backing up a cement truck to the window.
1662. No starting a mosh pit in a leper colony.
1663. There is no such thing as a 'bad touch attack'
1664. If my Rogue Trader manages to arrive before he leaves, no cleaning up on the lottery.
1665. I will not forget to uncuff the pedophile from outside the car before driving back to the station.
1666. If if takes more than five minutes for the debris to stop falling, I need to pick a smaller gun.
1667. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by playing Wham over their commlinks.
1668. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by shooting the guy standing next to him.
1669. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by setting him on fire.
1670. Dungeons are not handicapped accessible.
1671. Before entering the dungeon I will take off the "I'm with tasty -->" tabard.
1672. I will remember the Incredible Luck super power is illegal in Vegas.
1673. I will not start dating another character's archenemy.
1674. I cannot start the game radioactive.
1675. If an enemy fails a stun check, that does not give me a free hit for flinching.
1676. Before I get it on with the green chick, I'll make sure she's supposed to be that color.
1677. Before I sass the power gamer, make sure the other players got my back.
1678. I don't get any XP for anything I killed in a flashback.
1679. No amount of character points lets me start as the Beatle's bagpiper.
1680. The point of the Improvised Weapon Skill is not to see how many different things I can kill people with.
1681. Just crossing his fingers behind his back is not an option for my paladin.
1682. Snufficate is not a real way to kill somebody.
1683. Killing the orc horde by drowning them all at once is heroic. Killing them by drowning them one at a time is an alignment check.
1684. No making up euphemisms for death.
1685. There is no Neurotic Book of Fantasy.
1686. Dodge Everything While Standing Still is not a real spell.
1687. No following a minute behind Gold Leader and just shooting down Vader.
1688. Just because he starts every game in a tavern doesn't mean the Barbarian needs rehab.
1689. 1/3 of the elf homeland's GDP does not go to hair care products.
1690. I don't get double XP if I kill the monster with explosive decompression.
1691. True Sight doesn't tell me what the NPC's treasure type is.
1692. Buying the alternative identity advantage is perfectly legal, unless it's Elvis.
1693. When asked to describe my room, can't use Smaug's lair as a template.
1694. Debauchery is not a stat.
1695. Can't load the shotgun just with rock salt because I'm feeling mean.
1696. Yes, Les Paul is a guitar god. No, he can't grant spells.
1697. Can't use the Decanter of Endless Water for water skiing, the Jacuzzi, or a wet tabard contest.
1698. Andorrans are not closely related to smurfs.
1699. The Astromech appreciates it if we'd stop using him for ordinance delivery.
1700. Even if the rules allow it, Lawful Good deities don't appreciate human sacrifices to them.
1701. Can't clear out a dungeon by sneaking in and running a generator while they sleep.
1702. Even if it's historically accurate, can't try to heal someone by cutting them.
1703. The time machine is not for finding ringers for our baseball team.
1704. Even if we're playing Werewolf: The Wild West, can't play the Lone Ranger.
1705. If my boss wakes up to find a young Frank Sinatra won American Idol, no more time machine for me.
1706. Before anybody makes a demolitions check, I will raise my hand if my skill is the highest.
1707. In the middle of a black ops, can't play 'will it bounce' with the penthouse furniture.
1708. No bringing up the time we were nearly TPK'd by a jerboa.
1709. Even if its really cool, no throwing dry ice on the water weird.
1710. Mooning M. Bison is not an appropriate stunt action.
1711. I will not spend all my starting cash on the stock market.
1712. Can't take out the villain by just propping a bucket of acid over his door.
1713. It is not necessary for the villain to say 'Uncle' before I accept his surrender.
1714. My martial artist has to actually know a martial art.
1715. Can't just wizard lock the villain's throne room and come back in two weeks after he's starved to death.
1716. Summon Para-Legal Elemental is not a real spell.
1717. The spell Summon Vacuum Elemental is not for household chores.
1718. I don't have to name everything we discover after myself.
1719. I can't forge out a new Elven homeland by conquest unless the Elves want a new homeland.
1720. Contrary to popular opinion, the girdle of masculinity/femininity does have a noticeable effect on elves.
1721. The minute the GM figures out my Inquisitor is Lennie Briscoe, he dies.
1722. No building a Gatling Gatling gun.
1723. My martial arts style is vetoed if its just thirty different ways to hit a guy in the jewels.
1724. No matter how well I make my Animal Wrangling roll, can't saddle break a Los Diablos.
1725. No god's vestments include gogo boots.
1726. If I kill more goons with my rifle than the rest of the party without firing a shot, time to retire the character.
1727. When facing the classic weight balance trap, can't use the halfling for ballast.
1728. Can't have a gun that doubles as a jump jet.
1729. "Large things that hurt badly? is not an appropriate focus.
1730. No putting all my weapon points in the blowgun.
1731. If I take the blowgun, I at least have to poison the darts.
1732. Even if the rules allow it, can't start a Vestenmannavnjar Dixie Land band.
1733. Dousing a character in beer is acceptable after a victory. Then setting him on fire is not.
1734. We aren't continuing the mission until everybody is clear on the term "Going in hardcore"
1735. "Come here often?" is not what you say when rescuing the princess from the necromancer's dungeon.
1736. Can't name my rabbit familiar Watership.
1737. There is no par on a dragon.
1738. Even if I write it, can't have my own theme song.
1739. The rules don't cover laugh tracks.
1740. If the villain performs a kind act, can't blackmail him with it later.
1741. Klingons don't have a French accent.
1742. We aren't relocating the campaign to Texas or Florida for tax reasons.
1743. No taunting characters about what they lost in the latest errata.
1744. Can't one shot major villains just because the writers forgot to give them a basic defense.
1745. Contrary to popular belief, mercenaries don't help divorce proceedings.
1746. Even if my culture has no spoken language, the campaign will not turn into a game of charades.
1747. There was no conspiracy to keep Wales out of 7th Sea.
1748. Can't target microscopic organisms with spells.
1749. If my character is a hard drinking, hard partying muslim chick, it's vetoed is she's clearly my Ex.
1750. A barbarian is not just a fighter with less feats and more anger management issues.
1751. Lord Soth just does not need a hug.
1752. No summoning octopi to make the sleeping paladin explain all the hickies.
1753. No challenging sleeping people to a duel.
1754. No hogging all the brute kills.
1755. Calling my shot means 'Where I want to hit him' not 'Where I want him to land.'
1756. Despite what the module says, not every woman in this campaign is a closeted lesbian.
1757. The princess' menstral cycle doesn't factor into her rescue.
1758. Dr. Suess has no place in an exorcism.
1759. Doesn't matter what I just killed with it, the howitzer is not going to qualify for holy relic.
1760. No risking profit factor to buy groceries.
1761. Star Destroyers are already baby proofed.
1762. If my character causes Camelot to look like King Lear he dies.
1763. If I just rolled the same chart result 8 times in a row, I will lie about the result if I do it again.
1764. No spending stunt points to play 'Yoink! Got your nose!' on a Genlock.
1765. Even if my CO does it, a unitard is not an appropriate SAS uniform.
1766. No starting a character with 4 swordsman schools.
1767. No I can't Google the villain's secret weakness.
1768. My monk can't convince the bad guys to go streaking with him just so they're easy to beat up later.
1769. I can't disarm the monk. At least not literally.
1770. I don't have to be faster than the other investigators. They have to be faster than my bullets.
1771. If my actions singlehandedly put the Drow on the endangered species list, time to retire the character.
1772. No using EHarmony to find a cleric for the party.
1773. Can't use a wish spell to make the last Star Wars trilogy not suck.
1774. Battle Mauls can't double as coup sticks.
1775. Just because I spared the villain's life doesn't mean she owes me a first date.
1776. They don't make weapon grade schnauzers.
1777. No using goldfish as improvised weapons just to get the dual weapon bonus.
1778. I don't have to buy a child seat to take the halfling anywhere.
1779. Using nuclear weapons in assassinations is just being lazy.
1780. No using the friendship virtue to start a harem.
1781. Beatlemania is not an acceptable dementia.
1782. I will remember we're playing 4th edition and stop using my imagination.
1783. Distracting the bad guy does not mean with an aztec bar mitzvah.
1784. Some grizzfarb says I have to stop making up gnomish profanities.
1785. I can't play an anthropomorphic homo sapiens.
1786. Albanians do not count as furries.
1787. I will stop telling people my high elf is just a drow with a bad case of vitiligo.
1788. Even if it takes an hour before it's my turn again, can't kill time with solitaire.
1789. Doesn't matter what the map says, can't drive a sports car through the villain's lair.
1790. Can't find the villain just by casting power word stun in the bar and see who's still standing.
1791. Can't make the genie's head explode until everybody else has had their wish.
1792. Let's keep the collateral damage to under a billion dollars.
1793. A comeliness under 15 doesn't mean I can't be on MTV.
1794. Can't use party members for ante.
1795. Not possible to corner the market on weapons they don't have rules for yet.
1796. The halfling language is not just baby speak.
1797. Getting the dwarf fixed isn't going to improve his disposition.
1798. Can't start every game breaking out of jail.
1799. They don't make healing potions in diet.
1800. I will not point out any loophole that arouses the powergamer.
1801. When challenged for rank, can't make the challenge 1970's NBA trivia.
1802. Leave off the Chaotic Evil alignment on the teaching application.
1803. Can't convince to party to play Frankie Goes to Hollywood. Not their music, the actual band.
1804. The epic villain killing weapon requires a quest to obtain, not $35 at Pruett's Guns and Ammo.
1805. I won't mention a celebrity that causes another gamer to go all stalker. Sorry in advance Jeannie Mai.
1806. Before we start a band of pirates, make sure the game isn't set in a landlocked nation.
1807. Even if the rules allow it, I can't have a saber toothed walrus.
1808. Even if I buy enough for everybody, snuggies alone will not raise crew morale.
1809. If I get to pick my position in a star spanning empire, can't pick Fire Chief.
1810. Even if the rules allow it, can't be on good terms with an organization sworn to destroy me.
1811. Doesn't matter what I rolled, my ork can't have a space surfboard.
1812. Not using any emission from the barbarian as flamethrower fuel.
1813. My troll's biography will not include the phrase 'sweet, sweet love'
1814. My battlecruiser does not inclue a discotheque, bowling alley, IMAX, or strip joint.
1815. Can't have a gun capable of using other PC's as ammo.
1816. The Druid doesn't have to change sides every time the tide changes.
1817. Can't target the starship's radiator.
1818. Can't make a bluff check to convince the monster I actually hit him.
1819. Strapping dynamite to an arrow is an acceptable cliche. Not the whole keg of gunpowder.
1820. Let's not see how far I can lower crew morale before the game begins.
1821. Even if the rules allow it, the Soviet National Anthem doesn't qualify for the inspirational music ability.
1822. When told to play a teenage high school girl, that doesn't include East German swimmers named Sergi.
1823. Despite what you'd think, taking out a child molester with extreme prejudice doesn't restore my humanity.
1824. 'Getting Uppity' is not a capital offense. Even to a Rogue Trader.
1825. No taking Peace Activists as favored enemies just because they are easy targets.
1826. Before we have the bard loot the dungeon, make sure he's clear on the spelling.
1827. No starting Fight Club.
1828. Remember to take the helmet off before I use the acid spit ability.
1829. Darth Vader does not need his air filter changed.
1830. Deer Season is restricted to rifle or bow. Not greco-roman.
1831. Drunken Master is a feared martial artist. A Drunken Journeyman is not any 5th level dwarf.
1832. No result on the Impact Critical F chart reduces a foe to base elemental components.
1833. If we're short on cash no starting a telethon.
1834. Star Destroyers don't have help desks.
1835. Can't take poison immunity, coat my food with cyanide, and see who's been stealing my lunch from the fridge.
1836. A talking animal sidekick is okay. One that sings Disney tunes is roadkill.
1837. I won't ask how a 9' combat monster with no concept of subtlety starts with a +1D in stealth.
1838. Can't lure ninjas out of hiding with a game of Marco Polo.
1839. Even if the rules say otherwise, a huge back banner with an arrow pointing down at me causes a penalty to stealth checks.
1840. Doesn't matter if I get bonuses for eating fallen foes, no spending requisition on condiments.
1841. No using ventriloquism to trick the Khorne Berzerkers into slaughtering each other.
1842. You can't suplex a lictor.
1843. Can't land the drop pod on the villain.
1844. Even if the rules say otherwise, I can't actually use 500 grenades in a single mission.
1845. I will use the security skill to open the door, even if it's easier to just rip it off its hinges.
1846. If the Ork makes his check to solve higher mathematics, his head doesn't explode.
1847. No picking a sorcery that is actually unplayable as written.
1848. Slapping a fake mustache on the freeboota doesn't count as a disguise check.
1849. There is too an elven word for monogamy.
1850. There is also an elven word for heterosexual.
1851. Can't use woodchippers as shotguns against vampires.
1852. Afros are not acceptable haircuts for Adeptus Astartes.
1853. I can't chew gum during chapter briefings, even if I brought enough for the entire Space Marine Chapter.
1854. TSR is not hiding Golden Tickets in Mystara Gazetteers.
1855. Using a barber's razor as a weapon does not make me a barbarian.
1856. I will refer to the radar contact as a Blitzer-72 MBT, and not as a TPK in a can.
1857. No unloading all my remaining ammo in the last bad guy so I don't have to carry it back with me.
1858. The answer to 'how to spell sousaphone' is V-E-T-O.
1859. No challenging Death to a game of Tic-Tac-Toe until he gets bored and quits, ensuring my immortality.
1860. Summary Execution Man is not an appropriate name for a super hero, even if it is accurate.
1861. Can't take a favored enemy I can't kill for another ten levels.
1862. Even if the rules allow it, I can't hip shoot a cannon.
1863. I will stop asking the Ultramarine why his chapter's primary color isn't ultramarine.
1864. Even if paladin starts with P and that rhymes with T, it doesn't stand for trouble.
1865. No wasting Music Man references on a 10th grader.
1866. Even if the rules allow it, can't have a poisonous lascannon.
1867. Can't have a gun that reduces people to Rorschach tests.
1868. Playing the Who doesn't give me a bonus to forensic checks.
1869. You can't count coup with power weapons.
1870. If I'm invited to play a one shot with a new DM, can't play a serious straight laced character.
1871. No tricking the techpriest into dividing by zero.
1872. My Rogue Trader can't upgrade his ship with a ice rink, duck blind or vomitarium.
1873. Stormtroopers will only fall for the broken comlink trick so many times.
1874. Even if elves are a dying race, can't start a forced breeding program.
1875. Before I make the seduction check, I will reread the description of the swinging knack.
1876. I will stop telling the new players gnomes came from Sverfneblia.
1877. I will stop asking the high elf for a hit.
1878. Elves are not all backstabbing, untrustworthy weasels, but you never hear about a dark gnome do you?
1879. The halfling's natural enemy is not the pedophile.
1880. Elves are not piercing weapons by default.
1881. No shooting the Quarren at the start of the adventure, even if it would have immediately solved the last four adventures instantly.
1882. The monk counts as adamantine when attacking, not when being used as a battering ram.
1883. Even if the rules allow it, my fighter can't carry a clan of halfings in his pack without penalty.
1884. If a PC gets taken out by a deer, can't recruit the deer to replace him.
1885. Considering we don't have a TARDIS or a bag of holding, we can stop speculating on how they would interact.
1886. Can't trick the GM into starting a conversation between the Doctor and Inspector Columbo.
1887. If I use the leap skill to individually jump over every goon in the room, when I reach the other side I can't demand to be made royalty.
1888. Even if the rules allow it, my marine can't requisition a rolex.
1889. Slapping a meltabomb on the Emperor's Children marine and putting his resulting efforts to get it off on Youtube gets me a Corruption Point.
1890. My Rogue Trader doesn't have spend Requisition Points on feminine hygiene products.
1891. Dreadnoughts don't get conjugal visits.
1892. No matter what the module says, slaughtered and dissected scientists cause more san loss than frozen dogs.
1893. Can't take Speaks in Third person quirk just so I can use the lyrics to Battery as an attack plan.
1894. No mounting my rival's anti-gravity plating on his ceiling.
1895. The Escaped Fugitive background doesn't include from Disney Teen Musicals
1896. Even if they have blond hair, blue eyes and are proud of their physical perfection, Aasimir don't appreciate Seig Heils.
1897. Assist Other actions helps in combat, not with crossword puzzles.
1898. No hiring Anakin Skywalker some Twilek hookers, thus removing his reason to become Vader.
1899. The target's current zip code has no bearing on my called shot.
1900. Verbena are not water soluble.
1901. Even if my Jedi has a Scottish accent, can't have a plaid lightsaber.
1902. Playing a Gamorrian doesn't violate anybody's religion.
1903. No ruining the game by informing the DM the Yellow Power Ranger is dead.
1904. Prepping for the adventure means memorizing spells and buying gear, not coming up with a safety word.
1905. No nailing the GM's girlfriend's character.
1906. I will ask permission before performing an autopsy in another character's hideout.
1907. No putting the villain's fake bio on Match.com and letting the stalkers do my work for me.
1908. No matter what the rules say, my psychotic racist character doesn't get a permanent persuasion bonus just because she puts out.
1909. Combat boots don't give bonuses to CPR checks.
1910. I don't need to know the melting point of orcs.
1911. Even if the rules allow it, I can't one shot guys with a feather duster.
1912. No more surprise parties for the berserker.
1913. Can't postdate a letter of marque.
1914. Can't abuse the boggan's weakness to get free babysitting.
1915. The following are not acceptable specialties for a weapon master: Mustard Gas, Cheese Grater, Sardonicism.
1916. Even if the rules allow it, sniper scopes don't give bonuses to shotguns.
1917. "The ability to do anything, as long as it's not that hard" is not a real superpower.
1918. No using the time machine to give Nostradamus a sneak peak at the future. Again.
1919. There is no needing for a dark brooding vigilante of the night in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.
1920. "Shakedown" is not a art skill specialty.
1921. In the middle of a Black Ops can't run up the target's cable bill by ordering PPV movies on his TV.
1922. Can't air hump the king from behind while he's performing demagoguery.
1923. Electrokinetics are not allowed anywhere near the President's teleprompter.
1924. Despite what the rules say, shooting other PC's in the head does not improve morale.
1925. Can't disguise a nuclear bomb to look like me.
1926. DM's don't appreciate being dubbed.
1927. Can't filibuster other characters.
1928. Nobody is going to buy the disguised wookie as a jawa with a pituitary problems.
1929. Ayn Rand has no affect on my alignment.
1930. The wizard's familiar does not have to save vs. leg hump.
1931. MkVI armor's drawback is not random chicken noises.
1932. I will stop telling people the elf is openly fey.
1933. No part of the elven cloak is actually made out of elves.
1934. Breaking the fourth wall doesn't require a strength check.
1935. It's not possible to become addicted to healing spells.
1936. You don't have to be lawful evil to be sentenced to Devil's Island.
1937. Not my fault if you can defeat the labyrinth by just making right turns.
1938. When the game designer asks me my opinion about the new edition of his game, open weeping is not appreciated.
1939. Even if the rules allow it, can't parry an artillery barrage with my fists.
1940. Blasting the distress signal from orbit is forbidden, even if it would have avoided the last six ambushes.
1941. Qunari aren't automatically angered by the color red.
1942. Can't distract the villain by sending him a text.
1943. I will not attempt to gnomeoform Faerun.
1944. Even if the King is represented by a miniature, I can't put him in checkmate.
1945. No prisoner gets special treatment, even if he does look like Robert Goulet.
1946. No improvising, winging or fabricating funeral rites.
1947. Can't use teleport to convince the villain's henchmen he's seeing things.
1948. Having an electrotech in the party doesn't mean I get to leave my phone charger at home.
1949. Can't free the hostage with a surprise game of Red Rover.
1950. Not allowed to start the campaign having sex, especially with another PC.
1951. Can't use the international date line to get around once per day restrictions.
1952. There is no bluff check in the world that gets around divine retribution.
1953. A lifetime subscription to Cosmo is not an elven racial bonus.
1954. Swedish accents are great for vikings, ninjas not so much.
1955. No tagging the sleeping dragon with "Bilbo was here".
1956. If we end up playing Illuminated martial artist superheros protecting the Mad Lands from the Chtorr, we will reselect the source books again with our eyes open.
1957. There is no way to diplomatically ask the Gaius if he's going to finish that sandwich.
1958. Dwarven breast milk is not 180 proof.
1959. No using the time machine to make Christ the keynote speaker at an atheist convention.
1960. I will not use the commune spell to find out who is John Galt.
1961. No spending more points than the villain to make his assistant more loyal to me.
1962. There is more combat than a called shot to the face with a double barrel, despite what the dice say.
1963. If I can't use the dwarf to beat a guy to death, that includes beating him against the dwarf.
1964. No talking Hastur into suing Voldemort for trademark infringement.
1965. Can't send the party out on an epic quest just to get some alone time with the missus.
1966. Even if the rules allow it, can't play a viking mad scientist.
1967. A Shemsu-Heru kamikaze pilot is funny once.
1968. Even if there is no naming convention given, Tal Vashoth are probably not named Larry.
1969. I will keep all eldritch artifacts of ungodly power out of the reach of children.
1970. Even If I need to practice it, if I'm playing Batman, I lose the Russian accent.
1971. Giving my media the paparazzi template does not actually cause humanity loss.
1972. No probating Dunkelzahn's will.
1973. I will quit pestering the techpriest on whether he's AC or DC.
1974. Despite what the rules say, you don't have to be a 19th level bard to play Alice's Restaurant Massacre.
1975. No using the weapon critical hit charts to play bingo.
1976. The identify spell doesn't work on mystery meat.
1977. If I managed to roll up a half ogre knight errant on 3d6 straight down, no gloating.
1978. Naming the half ogre Sir Loin of Beef is gloating.
1979. The University of Wisconsin does not have branches in Lankhmar, Waterdeep or Blackmoor.
1980. The druid can't transform into a sports car. Even if we douse him with hot water.
1981. No wrecking the Millennium Falcon in the prologue.
1982. If the GM's pet NPC has tons of plot armor, can't use her for cover.
1983. Even if it's the coolest spell ever, can't just go around exploding everyone.
1984. A paladin of the god of obituaries job is not to just kick butt and take names.
1985. The surprise in the surprise attack comes from its speed, not from the shattered eardrums of the breaching charge.
1986. When asked to be the party tank, they didn't mean an Abrams.
1987. After the battle my Astartes is to spend his time training and in meditation, not choreographing Gilbert and Sullivan numbers.
1988. No result on the critical hit chart splits the atom.
1989. Can't set the Death Star to stun.
1990. Even if we crashed the opening of the last eight adventures, still have to name our new starship.
1991. Medium Well is not a phaser setting.
1992. Can't fly standing up.
1993. Squeezing a termagaunt like bagpipes isn't going to turn him into a machine gun.
1994. There is no instant replay in Hackmaster.
1995. The proper response after making a very tough bluff check is not a TD dance.
1996. If any player ends up in lingerie, the game is over.
1997. Better believe if I berserk for two straight hours I'm going to feel it in the morning.
1998. The wookie isn't allowed anywhere near conditioner.
1999. The evil twin flaw doesn't count if he's fraternal.
2000. Despite what the dice just said, I'm not the personal god of Michael Phelp's agent.

Continued here:
http://theglen.livejournal.com/389635.html
LinkReply

Comments:
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[User Picture]From: dayzdark
2009-10-07 04:15 am (UTC)

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#1505 is definitely my favorite of this batch.
[User Picture]From: gurgi
2009-10-07 05:58 am (UTC)

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I like 1510, personally... :)
[User Picture]From: lemurbouy
2009-10-07 07:43 pm (UTC)

Re: 1522

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Dude, I'm in Canada and originally from Nigeria and Tennessee and I've been Moose Antlering for years, spreading it wherever I go. It's the best!
[User Picture]From: vaeldriil
2009-10-08 11:32 am (UTC)

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1510 - How about Don LaFontaine? :D
[User Picture]From: queen_kitora
2009-10-08 09:58 pm (UTC)

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Yes, the Invisibility spell includes clothes. Stop asking.

We are NOT 'The Jedi Knights Who Say Ni'!
[User Picture]From: acheronia
2009-10-09 01:53 am (UTC)

RE: 1524

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But...but..that's genius!
[User Picture]From: dracthyus
2009-10-14 03:02 am (UTC)

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"My vampire can not lick the Cenobyte while we're on an Op."

Although, the majority of these things posted here seem like really, really good ideas, actually.
[User Picture]From: tomyironmane
2009-10-16 07:21 am (UTC)

Re: 1517

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Rule #37: There is no 'overkill.' There is only 'open fire' and 'time to reload.'

www.schlockmercenary.com
From: sym_antares
2009-10-30 03:30 pm (UTC)

1517...

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Anyone who thinks that has never seen Friday the 13th.
From: sym_antares
2009-10-30 03:35 pm (UTC)

A couple from my list:

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Not allowed to make an archer that needs an FO for his longbow.

Not allowed to play a young orphaned dragon...

Or any dragon for that matter.

My gun does not have its own zip code.

Not allowed to play "Crash the Economy."


the whole list is found at http://sym-antares.livejournal.com/778.html
[User Picture]From: queen_kitora
2009-11-19 09:42 am (UTC)

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For the love of God, phoenixes do NOT cluck!
[User Picture]From: thornbrier
2009-11-22 11:15 pm (UTC)

Some of my favs from the last couple pages.

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1273. Any character that makes a seasoned Rifts player flinch is vetoed, and shall never be spoken of again.

Seasoned Rifts Player here. I actually talked my GM into letting me play an Adult Great Horned Dragon with 12 levels of an over powered class called Runecaster.

Or another character who was literally capable of killing everyone in a large city (like New York city) in one round, nearly killing himself in the process, and be back to full MDC (which was just over 4 and a half million) in only 3 minutes, without any gear whatsoever(though a jet pack or other method of getting above the city does help). When he asked for my damage roll his eyes bulged and he coughed when I told him I was doing 456D6x10 MD to each target (oh, the attack auto-hits everything in range regardless of armor or cover and only forcefields or magical shields can block it, it can't do any damage to either. Though, if your within 5 feet of the edge you are allowed 'roll with punch/fall/impact' for half damage), and double damage to undead, stills hits incorporeal or intangible targets and those on the astral plane. No damage to robots, buildings, or anything completely artificial.

He had a thing against incorporeal undead and went into a rage. He's normally a sweet lovable monster who is big into meditation and religious study. No, really, first thing he did after finding himself on earth was study our holy books and send letters to George Lucas telling him all the things he got wrong in the Star Wars universe.

1324. If another player took the Disadvantage: Stutters, I can’t play a K’Kree.

I nearly coughed up a lung laughing at this one.

1437. High recoil guns and roller skates are not an accepted method of transportation.

The visual image there was wonderful. On a similar note: a good knockout punch and the flaw - "levitates while asleep or unconscious" was rather effective. Of course, this is resultant of the guy who's two most notable characters were created in an accident with a microwave and non-dairy creamer. "Do YOU know what happens when you mix a microwave and non-dairy creamer?"

1517. Checking to see if the Mad Slasher is dead is ok, dismembering him with a shotgun is overkill.
Schlock Mercenary: Rule 37 Poster
The guy who draws Schlock Mercenary does most of his drawing at our local game store. Sometimes he joins us in our crazy games. He made this and put it on the wall, then he published it and they are now available through Warehouse 23 (though they are currently out of stock).
From: jimfromtx
2009-11-27 08:25 am (UTC)

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I assume 1549 is a reference to the French castle scene from Monty Python?

On a more general note, I love this list. It really makes me want to get my Red Dwarf game going soon, so we can do this kind of crazy stuff.

Oh, and I was reminded of this list when a friend of mine sent me a pic of a 4chan thread on awesome gaming moments. Party walks into a room, there's a pit in it. Party is supposed to fall in the pit, they solve an easy puzzle, and voila, loot. But no, the guy playing the 8 INT dwarven fighter has other ideas. He states that he sits down, mid-air, and uses his dwarven stubbornness to kill the pit. The GM *very* reluctantly agrees, if he can pull off 2 100's in a row. He does. The pit implodes, leaving him sitting calmly on the floor.
[User Picture]From: theglen
2009-11-27 01:00 pm (UTC)

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Actually it had nothing to do with that, it was us trying to assassinate a crooked politician in the middle of a modern metropolis in the most noticeable way possible.
[User Picture]From: queen_kitora
2009-12-04 12:51 am (UTC)

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There's something TOTALLY wrong about a shugenja (or any spellcaster) who can administer a beatdown with just a stick. Spellcasters are supposed to be physically weak, aren't they?
From: sym_antares
2011-08-24 03:55 pm (UTC)

Actually...

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Most of my mages have some sort of weapon proficiency in case the magic runs out or doesn't work.
"Why does your sorcerer have an adamant bastard sword?"
"Because golems are immune to magic..." *lifts sword* "but not to this."
[User Picture]From: poly_scott
2010-01-01 12:59 am (UTC)

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1567. I don't get to play anybody's Shadow.

Why not? There is a new Mekhet bloodline where you get to basically do exactly that. :-D
[User Picture]From: Derek Spak
2010-11-14 10:56 pm (UTC)

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Actually, it was him SPECIFICALLY that can't play a shadow.
From: lady_wellspring
2010-01-11 06:13 am (UTC)

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Don't let the minotaur hug you.
From: lady_wellspring
2010-01-19 04:42 am (UTC)

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Apparently it IS possible to become the Fortune of Incompetence if you roll badly enough in Legend of the Five Rings.

The flaw 'lecherous' combined with the flaw 'can't lie' makes for a whole lot of getting slapped.
From: lady_wellspring
2010-01-29 08:00 am (UTC)

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Roosters don't have snooze buttons.
From: jimfromtx
2010-01-29 04:43 pm (UTC)

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I dunno, hitting it with a large blunt object seems to work pretty well for a snooze alarm :P
[User Picture]From: necrorin
2010-02-26 08:52 pm (UTC)

Great

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To have that kind of mind makes you either genious or idiot and I can't decide what... Either way you seem like a fellow I would like to talk with and I don't usually use lj. So if you want you can mail at me <3 koori at mbnet dot fi

And answer do your question is yes those are my boobs
[User Picture]From: urahara_1001
2010-02-27 06:34 am (UTC)

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Just got a new one from our EarthDawn session tonight:

I will not demand Legend Point Awards for backstabbing the rest of the party.
From: ozzieolin
2010-03-05 03:47 pm (UTC)

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I'm actually in favor of the Mr. B Natural ruling. That would make my GM break down crying.
[User Picture]From: kaaron
2010-03-10 07:17 am (UTC)

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Today, I got permission from our DM for my rogue to dose the paladin with LSD. I am very excited about this.
From: jimfromtx
2010-03-10 08:37 am (UTC)

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That sounds like it could be fun. Let us know what happens :P
From: neonchameleon
2010-03-12 08:22 pm (UTC)

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1626. I am not allowed to use the list for inspiration.
From: jimfromtx
2010-03-12 08:39 pm (UTC)

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I'm in the middle of finding someone to run a Red Dwarf RPG campaign, and I intend to do just that :P Especially taking a specialization in defenestration.
From: doc_whiteface
2010-04-08 01:07 am (UTC)

Got a few new ones for you.

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These are a few that I've found/been cautioned on/been rockfalled* over by the GM in a campaign I participate in on the weekends.

For reference, this is an epic-level campaign run using D&D v.4.0 rules, and I currently have a lv.27 Dwarf Wizard who has a height complex.

1626 - If my GM offers to give me a feat that grants a +2 bonus on every roll in exchange for always staying in character, with a curse that causes me to fall prone for minimum five rounds when I violate it without a good explanation, my explanation cannot be "Hrun Helmsplitter is partially insane and occasionally mumbles things to himself that make little or no sense to nonwizards. It has to do with the way he was trained."

1627 - Even if she's pulled the same trick five times on this floor of the dungeon, I will not ready an action to hit the Halfling Rogue with a Force Sphere if she says "I think I see something shiny over there" and proceeds to activate a lever to set off a trap at the rest of the party.

1628 - I am not allowed to use chatspeak as my mystic chant when casting with an extra somatic component.

1629 - If my character can more 300 feet in one move action at level one, he is vetoed. (A result of my trying to create a Druid at the beginning of the campaign and noting that if I took a certain wildshape feat I could constantly stay in a form that gave me more speed than any sub-level-20 monster and a base attack higher than the half-orc barbarian)

1630 - Even if it is a natural roll, I cannot have a half-orc barbarian at level 1 with Strength, Charisma, Wisdom, Dexterity, and Constitution of 18 without modifiers and Intelligence of 3 with modifiers. (Yes, this really happened.)

1631 - I am not allowed to research any spell from the Book of Erotic Fantasy. No exceptions. Ever. Especially not the penis-spiders.

1632 - Even if the rules of the rather poorly-written GM-created feat allow it, I cannot use the above mentioned "stay in-character" feat to point out that it's not physically possible for someone to carry 100 feet of rope with them.

1633 - I will not point out that all Water spells break the law of conservation of matter. If I choose to do so I immediately get hit by a Flash Flood spell sent by angry demigods with no save.

1634 - If my Magic Missile spell crits the door I will not complain about the fact that the wood was blown to splinters but the steel-reinforced paneling was left behind.

1635 - Even if the lock is made entirely out of stone and scaled for a Titan I will not have my Dwarf Wizard attempt to pick the lock with the blunt end of his warhammer/staff.

1636 - Any combination of feats that would allow my character to solo the Tarrasque, loot its body, and get back to town within one round is vetoed before it is written down, regardless of the level I attempt to implement it at. I will be locked out of the GM's room if I attempt to sneak said combination into my character.

1637 - I am not allowed to dual-wield Quickened Wands of Magic Missile.

1638 - Talking is a free action. But only on the ground. Attempting to fit ten minutes of dialogue in the amount of space it takes a flying kick to connect from ten feet away is not acceptable.

1639 - I cannot invent the Internet within Faerun. Period.

1640 - I cannot make my Elven interim character 1337 years old just to make meme jokes.

I have quite a few more, but I can't remember them at the moment.

*As in "rocks fall, everyone dies."
From: jimfromtx
2010-04-08 08:31 pm (UTC)

Re: Got a few new ones for you.

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...crushing everyone to death with rocks in response seems rather harsh o_O Rewinding time, maybe, a "that didn't happen", yeah, but killing everyone, sheesh.
From: lady_wellspring
2010-04-11 04:33 am (UTC)

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A paladin with NO points in knowledge: religion is just *&(%^&ing STUPID.

Lawful Sarcastic and Chaotic Stupid aren't real alignments either.

No plan should EVER have to rely on a huge geyser of fresh, steaming $#!t at ANY point, for ANY reason.

On a related note, blowing up a city's sewer system probably shouldn't be done either.
From: jimfromtx
2010-04-11 04:54 am (UTC)

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Yeah, I mean, who wants to smell poo gas?
From: megafire
2010-04-12 04:40 pm (UTC)

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Despite all evidence to the contrary, explosions do not solve everything.
From: jimfromtx
2010-04-12 07:02 pm (UTC)

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Heh, tell that to the Mythbusters.
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