||[Mar. 31st, 2012|07:16 am]
2001. A Saber tooth tiger is not an acceptable second in a duel.
2002. No flashbacks to the death of the disposable expository NPC at the start of the adventure.
2003. Any gun whose damage is best described in scientific notation is vetoed.
2004. Just because I took the large advantage does not let me rampage through Tokyo at will.
2005. Can't just program the probe droid to go to light speed through the Star Destroyer.
2006. Torpedo spheres don't just go off on accident.
2007. No taunting Darth Maul with the fact Uncle Owen had more lines, more screen time and a more memorable death.
2008. No spending money from the Raise Dead fund on ice cream.
2009. I will make sure when the GM asks what my fetish is if he means voodoo bag or brunettes with short hair.
2010. Improved tax evasion is not a real feat.
2011. There is no easy way to tell a guy he named his genetically engineered uber space Mongolian after Genghis Khan's wife.
2012. Apothecaries can't perform emergency skullectomies.
2013. Can't convince the entire pantheon to all take spiders as their fourth domain.
2014. In the middle of a black ops I don't have time to set all the target's phone handsets to maximum volume.
2015. If World War III is looming, I will not spend all my character advances on just liberal arts degrees.
2016. While extremely cool, my superhero needs something more than just a gun that fires badgers at people.
2017. Off duty Astartes wear robes, not wife beaters and speedos.
2018. Spending my Rank 4 instead of Rank 5 priority on human does not make me more human than human.
2019. Even if the elf fails his willpower check, we don't need to change him.
2020. There is only one mounting option for Mr. Stud. This is not optional.
2021. Even if used correctly, branding irons do not count as non-lethal weapons.
2022. I will refrain from any activity that could turn the entire party into smoking piles of lederhosen.
2023. Using my runic powers to provide a light show for my skald's musical performances is abusing Grumfather's gift.
2024. Despite how practical it would be, I have no need for a dracheneisen tuba.
2025. There is no such thing as a shotgun exterminatus.
2026. I will not try to bring back nipples as a superhero fashion statement.
2027. Boernings fully understand the concept of personal space.
2028. Even if the rules allow it, a called shot to the eyes with a sledgehammer isn't very practical.
2029. In the middle of a black ops, I can't order 1500 pizzas to be delivered to the target the next day.
2030. Elves do not get a racial bonus to the skill Trade: Interior Design
2031. Even if the kids love it, the Cone of Cold spell is not for making toboggan rides possible in August.
2032. If I ever trick the DM into telling us the only way to make money mining is to work the shaft, all my characters die. Not just in this game either.
2033. Even if the rules allow it, I can't conduct a television interview and maintain a choke hold at the same time.
2034. Can't spend all my starting points to build a Renaissance version of Las Vegas.
2035. Cylons don't have a four year life span.
2036. Darth Harmonious is not a real Sith Lord.
2037. No matter how many times it's already been retconned, I can't change the story of the origins of the Sith every time we play.
2038. Even if it's a friendly pick up game, it's a bad idea to dunk on Vader.
2039. I will remember Captain Reis has the "Immunity: NPCs with no name" advantage.
2040. Characters with the curious disadvantage are not acceptable substitutions for the Identify spell.
2041. There are no additional bonuses to guessing the right card if we're playing Go Fish with a Deck of Many Things.
2042. Any attempt to breed Bearowls is doomed to failure.
2043. If I knock out Ryu while I'm blocking, it's time to retire the character.
2044. If I'm not allowed to go back in time to kill the villain, I can't just bring him to the present as a child either.
2045. No scanning the periodical table for an unused element to base my superhero around.
2046. The very thought of improving my humanity by osmosis costs humanity.
2047. Dwarven ale does not double as jet fuel, industrial solvent or colic medicine.
2048. No secretly setting the Netrunner's modem interface to 8 bit.
2049. No matter how pissed off the Verbena makes me, I can't put her on Glenn Beck's mailing list.
2050. Can't use the bureaucracy skill to indefinitely delay a rival going through customs. Yeah, made no sense to me either.
2051. DM's don't appreciate the Socratic method.
2052. The following are not acceptable favored enemies: Torries, Cartoon Characters, Wichita Falls.
2053. If the GM is a woman, can't play a space otter to gain cute points.
2054. If the rules require me to multiply several stats by 10,117 to get another stat, can't do it long hand in protest.
2055. I will try to keep the number of pages the GM rips out of his playtest binder to a minimum.
2056. Can't stealthfully follow the villainous wizard and backstab his every time he tries to cast a spell, even if every rogue in the world does it to our wizard.
2057. My druid will stop insisting we place all expended magic items in the appropriate recycling bin.
2058. No uploading to the villian's electrotat the video of me shooting him.
2059. Even if I no longer lose SAN around them, no domesticating nightgaunts.
2060. When describing my superhero, I will stop at "Molly Ringwald Man"
2061. Note to self: Pinata golems are a bad idea.
2062. Even if I have enough rope and have nine attacks a round, can't garrote a hydra.
2063. Despite Hawkman, Batman, Antman and Spiderman, Red Snapperman is not a legitimate superhero name.
2064. The wish spell can't affect the order of the alphabet.
2065. Even if I buy off the Nemesis disadvantage doesn't mean we can't still be enemies.
2066. Snipers don't appreciate their spotter yelling out "BOOM HEADSHOT!"
2067. Can't have a gun that can inflict lethal damage with just the bullet's windshear.
2068. If my character's name is not an anagram, I will tell the DM before he spends 30 minutes rearranging letters.
2069. No explaining battle plans to the tune of a Jerry Reed song.
2070. The spell is "Heat Metal", not "Detect Piercings".
2071. Even if the Corporation prefers PC terminology, an interrogation is not 'kinetic information retrieval'.
2072. Power Word Sarcasm is not a real spell.
2073. Even if the rules might allow them, we can't all play Ogryn warcasters.
2074. I will not give into temptation when presented with a decanter of endless water and an opening to the underdark.
2075. Just because I can, doesn't mean I have to land my Veritech like Ironman on the deck of the carrier every single time.
2076. If I'm commissioned to build an artillery gun, they don't mean a gun that fires howitzers.
2077. If I abandon the game for alone time with my fiance, my PC dies. Ask me if I freaking care.
2078. Just because the DM prefers D&D to alone time with a smoking hot fiance doesn't mean the party gets to question his gender preference.
2079. During the Time of Troubles can't forward my prayers to another god.
2080. The Bohemian Earspoon is not an appropriate weapon for a paladin. Or anybody else for that matter.
2081. 'Horn Dog' is not a real Dwarven caste.
2082. No matter how successful, our party has to be more than a wizard and 5 pikemen.
2083. 'Fifty Shades of Grey Dwarves' is not the new Duergar sourcebook.
2084. We can't steal all the treasure from the giant magical scales, even if we do undertake an engineering project that dwarfs the Hoover Dam.
2085. My Legionaire can't spend resources on a 16 ton weight he can drop on people with his mind later.
2086. Qunari don't take smiling damage.
2087. No matter what experience say, West Virginians do not make the best Mythos Investigators.
2088. If I have to buy a second warehouse to store all my spare magic weapons, time to retire the character.
2089. Even if it is a real way to kill somebody, I can't burke the bad guy.
2090. The following are not real Cyberpunk festivals: Night City Comiccon, The Killit Festival, Grenadeapalooza.
2091. Can't just target the villain's star fighter, even if it's the only one of its type in the battle.
2092. Before entering Denerim we don't have to delouse the Dalish.
2093. Can't trick the dragon into swallowing a shrunken dire porcupine and then ending the spell while he swallows.
2094. Liechtenstein has no need for weapons of mass destruction.
2095. Can't trick the time travelling bad guy into a shoot out with his past self.
2096. We aren't looking at the various kingdoms' tax rates before deciding where to dungeon crawl.
2097. Vecna was not the inventor of the organ donor card.
2098. Even if I took it with me with the full intention of using it, a manhole cover counts as an improvised weapon.
2099. Since they don't participate in the Olympics, I can stop writing R'lyeh's national anthem.
2100. No matter how big these sewers seem to be, we aren't finding a Shipley's Donuts down here.
2101. There are more uses to ninjitsu than just dodgin process servers.
2102. I will not make any plan that hinges on the medicinal value of dire wombats.
2103. Even if he is Lawful Evil, the villain isn't going to respond to a jury summons.
2104. They don't make civilian models of chain guns.
2105. Infravision no longer works like thermographic vision, so I can stop trying to hide from the elf by smearing myself with mud.
2106. You can't crank start a warjack.
2107. Tharn aren't allowed to take cooking skills.
2108. Even if I have the model for her, Satyxis can't be disk jockeys.
2109. Doesn't matter if he is a Son of Bragg, "Hey Baby" is not a Trollkin mating call.
2110. Trollkin cannot puff out their chins like frogs.
2111. Warjacks do not prefer bacon favored coal.
2112. Khadorians primary weakness is not temperate weather.
2113. I can't saddle break: A dire troll, a Kodiak warjack, or the Butcher.
2114. I can't clear out a dungeon by just throwning a ball down the entrance and telling the Nomad warjack to fetch.
2115. Just because the Nyss decided to become a fire sorceror doesn't mean she hates her parents.
2116. One does not just 'whip up' a priestess of Loviator.
2117. I will not buy skills for weapons that don't exist yet.
2118. No more arguing over whether my Ogrun looks more like Fabio or Lorenzo Lamas.
2119. The Ogrun language does not sound like the Ewok victory song.
2120. Elves do not squirt ink out of their nipples as a defense mechanism.
2121. Elves also do not secrete a foul tasting oil when threatened.
2122. The reason elves live in forests is not to protect them from eagles that swoop down and grab them up.
2123. No regifting cursed items on Christmas.
2124. The DM will notice if the entire party is named after the Houston Texans offensive line.
2125. No matter how close to lunch is it, halflings don't have to save vs. cannibalism.
2126. There will be no more arguing on whether Eowyn could have killed MacBeth or McDuff could have killed the Witch King.
2127. The following haircuts are forbidden to Ogrun: Pompadour, Flock of Seagulls, TV's Frank
2128. The elf punk has more options in her downtime than just accordian practice and torture porn.
2129. I will refer to the other player's sidekick by her name and not just "Your make believe Chinese lesbian girlfriend."
2130. My first priority in the Apocalypse is not finding a monster truck or finishing my Lord Humongous costume.
2131. The Apocalypse was probably not caused by Grips, Mimes or French Maids.
2132. Despite Hollywood's claims, not all renegade cops keep miniguns under their desks.
2133. If my starting Star Wars character is immediately set upon by an escaped Rifts character, wadding up my character sheet and throwing it at him is not an appropriate form of surrender.
2134. Before resorting to burlesque, we will explore all other options on how to sneak past the security camera.
2135. I can't make an acquisition test in the middle of combat to hire away the rival Rogue Trader's crew.
2136. I will not let the GM threaten me with "Do your worst" if my character was based on Feyd-Rautha.
2137. Even if I am playing a Ravenwing marine, I have to get off the motorcycle eventually.
2138. If the game retcon's my characters god, I will not start the orthodox faith of the old version of the god.
2139. You can't critically hit with a nuclear weapon.
2140. Even if the rules allow it, you can't slip an object into a person's pocket if the object is larger than the person.
2141. After clearing out the dungeon, I won't animate all the dead orcs and leave behind the copper pieces so the next party won't be totally disappointed.
2142. No matter how many points I've put into Perform, I can't use my mandolin as my sole method of communication.
2143. Wishes have no effect on errata.
2144. I will stop referring to Satyxis as "two pointers."
2145. Satyxis don't shed their horns every fall like elk.
2146. Satyxis aren't related to Qunari.
2147. There will be no more jokes about the GM's horny bikini wearing pirate chick fetish.
2148. When asking if I'm cross playing, they didn't mean if my character was Christ.
2149. You can't plea bargain regicide.
2150. The cryokinetic's default job is not to protect the cooler.
2151. Just because the dwarf hits name level doesn't mean we owe him a bar mitzvah.
2152. Getting four guys each with a different 25% Mythos Lore doesn't mean we win Call of Cthulhu.
2153. The "fur" and "lust" domains shall never meet.
2154. No reminding my lieutenant that "Neidermeyer" can be used as a verb.
2155. Getting multiple entries in a game's first errata is not a badge of honor.
2156. Even if my metamagician has his twinned, enhanced, empowered, maximized magic missile readied doesn't mean I can tell people to "make my day"
2157. Doesn't matter if we all have different costumes and names, the group is vetoed if its clear we're all Thor.
2158. Using my animal influence ability to send countless animals on a suicide attack is fine, but not to form a chorus line.
2159. Just because my media only put the bare minimum into his journalistic skills doesn't mean he starts at MSNBC.
2160. The ability to calculate Thaco in your head does not increase attractiveness.
2161. Invoking Andre the Giant only works once to win an argument with the storyteller.
2162. Can requisition items nobody in the squad knows how to use.
2163. Before starting an underwear clad pillow fight, I must first make sure the party is not all dwarves.
2164. There will be no further product placement in the mission evaluation videos.
2165. To cut down on the number of Mexican Standoffs, there is only one commissar allowed in the squad now.
2166. The Weeping Angels natural enemy is not the goldfish.
2167. The answer is never "Dwarven River Dance".
2168. No starting a bidding war during character creation to see who the Pet NPC likes best.
2169. Can't use a water gun to make the Aslan follow orders.
2170. Step 1 in the party's preparation for the quest is not a mani/pedi.
2171. Can't reduce the difficulty of an autopsy check by skipping the 'put everything back where you found it' step.
2172. Even if its beneficial, no changing the number of limbs on a character without the other player's consent.
2173. Better benefits doesn't justify alignment conflicts with an organization.
2174. If another PC dies, no bonus xp for going through all 7 stages of grief before the end of the session.
2175. It's best we don't let the paladin anywhere near customs.
2176. Even if calling out characters for critical hits is encouraged, no talking the crit hit monster into naming his character Skjor.
2177. Plan A is not send in the Doom Reaver and wait for the screams to stop.
2178. Despite what you think, the profession: Dentist can't substitute for the interrogation skill.
2179. My Werebear can't hibernate through the boring expository parts at the beginning.
2180. Even if I can justify a Viking with a maxed out legal skill, that doesn't give him a law degree.
2181. Druids don't practice dental hygiene by having small birds pick their teeth clean.
2182. Mechalus are not just Borg with better PR.
2183. Distract the bad guy does not mean with a called shot to his appendix.
2184. No hacking the target megacorp to put out a recall notice for their security's firearms.
2185. Despite it's tremendous cost to benefit ratio, bubblewrap is not a staple of black ops.
2186. My character in an Anthro RPG is meant to be a anime furry cliche, not an escapee from Looney Toons.
2187. No matter how many examples I can give, a flamethrower cannot boost morale.
2188. The primary use of a Druid's nature lore is not to learn the mating calls of various fey creatures.
2189. The 2nd Book of Gretsky appears nowhere in the Canadian Bible.
2190. Can't take Energy Blast with infinite range and the ability to shoot through the TV and just channel surf the news.
2191. When challenged by a Dwarf King, I can't pick basketball.
2192. The villain will eventually notice the train tracks are starting to point straight at his front door.
2193. Inspire Courage is a great super power, unless you use it to get hordes of innocent bystanders to bum rush the super villain.
2194. No questioning the Marshal on why a town of 4,000 people and no strategic value warranted a 100 megaton nuke.
2195. "Bladder Control" is not an appropriate super hero power.
2196. When listing the advantages of elves to the new player, I will leave off "shatter proof".
2197. Rings of Fire Resistance offer no protection from rug burn.
2198. When the villain is hiding from us, just can't call him on his cell.
2199. No animal companions come in their prehistoric version.
2200. If I just cast 17 fire spells in the Druid's Sacred Grove and a simple "Sorry" isn't going to cut it.
2201. Just because they don't have rules for them, Canadians can still be companions for the Doctor.
2202. When I take watch, everybody must wake up with the same number of limbs as they went to sleep with.
2203. Even if the rules allow it, the spell Command: Summarize can't speed up the plot exposition.
2204. The restriction on guns extends to all buildings used for higher education.
2205. The commissar will not be pleased if our entire plan is 1. Ask for a Baneblade. 2. Roll low.
2206. Create a distraction doesn't mean with walruses trained in ballroom dance.
2207. We are not stopping the villain with small mammals armed with power tools.
2208. My favored enemy must be more than just "Claire".
2209. My techpriest will refrain from developing emotional attachments to the ordnance.
2210. I will remember that if any samurai sounds like Takeshi Shimura, we will all end up sounding like Takeshi Shimura.
2211. If I have to change my samurai's voice, I will pick something that doesn't make him sound like a native of Guadalajara.
2212. The DM doesn't want to hear about the pointlessness of framing an aasimar paladin for murder.
2213. In the middle of a black ops the target's elevator music selection is off limits.
2214. Deer season is restricted to rifles or bows, not brass knuckles.
2215. Despite what the rules imply, multiple held actions do not interfere with the flow of time.
2216. Can't spot the paladin hiding in the thieves guild by looking for the guy breaking out in hives.
2217. Multi-classing to a fighter/mage/thief is fine. A fighter/mage/thief/Reagan Democrat is not.
2218. We don't have to consult a neurologist every time somebody fails a paralysis save.
2219. No casting haste on the fighter while he sleeps to see how long it takes him to notice all the new gray hair.
2220. No using every possible special rule for combat in the very first fight of the campaign.
2221. If a conjured monster does exceptionally well in combat, I can't ask him for a resume.
2222. The Find Traps spell doesn't work on dating websites.
2223. Stone of flesh spells are banned in all major art galleries.
2224. Anesthetic is not just for sissies.
2225. Personal effects are enough to prove we stopped the villain. No more bringing back his zombified corpse.
2226. The concept of vowels are not alien to dwarves.
2227. The first thing you do in Bangkok after clearing customs is not make an alignment check.
2228. No asking the elf how they make it to 1000 years old with such a crappy fortitude save.
2229. It's Thieves Cant. Not Illegalize.
2230. Even if we were told to use all of it, can't use the extra explosives for public displays of affection to my girlfriend.
2231. The spell is called Dancing Lights, not Detect Epilepsy.
2232. When discussing examples of target sizes, there will be no mention of areolas.
2233. Cause Disease doesn't let you pick the diseased caused, so I can stop reading the symptoms of Kuru.
2234. No abusing homonyms.
2235. Just because Orlais doesn't have a Shogun, doesn't mean I can declare myself one.
2236. Even if it would be awesome in real life, Immunity: Bureaucracy is not an acceptable super power.
2237. Christian Baleful Polymorph is not a real spell.
2238. The Returning ability on magical weapons doesn't let me make a fortune at pawn shops.
2239. Under no circumstances is modern art purchases coming out of the team fund.
2240. Though there are many to ways to become a god, buying a Gibson Les Paul and maxing out the perform skill isn't one of them.
2241. "Fantastic in the sheets" is not an appropriate character focus.
2242. Even if the rules allow it, no asking a Dread Destroyer for favors.
2243. Buying the crew the best quality underwear in the sector isn't going to increase moral.
2244. On second thought, rhythm guitar isn't an appropriate focus for a bard.
2245. Ammunition is not just for closers.
2246. No basing our epic powered superhero group in Terre Haute.
2247. If even if the rules allow it, no trading in our laser guns for muskets to play Sharpe's Rifles IN SPACE!!!
2248. No abusing union bylaws to exploit holes in security.
2249. Even if I take the Total Recall trait, I can't remember all quarter million crew on my ship by their first name.
2250. Even if I haven't had anything to do for several hours, no updating Facebook in the middle of a Black Ops.
2251. No calling a city councilman to settle an argument about dwarves.
2252. When a dwarf goes to the surface for the first time, I can't cast levitate on him.
2253. Gandolf never had a lavender phase.
2254. Covering myself in mud doesn't make me invisible to the elf.
2255. In the middle of a Black Ops I can't delete the guards we killed from their HR database.
2256. I cannot play anything with a blowhole.
2257. Even if my character is Welsh, his name has to include vowels.
2258. If the middle of a Black Ops can't call a lot of long distance phone sex numbers and just leave their phones off the hook.
2259. Even if I am allowed to design my own gun, I can't make a .314 Magnum Pistol.
2260. My Qunari cannot join the Church of Giantology.
2261. No picking a god based solely on the number of paid religious holidays they offer.
2262. If we're level 1, we can't blow up the planet.
2263. The rune stones did not just say the princess needs to get naked.
2264. Even if my character is from Chicago, he still only gets one vote in party matters.
2265. I will remember any use of the Perform: Burlesque skill is going require a full turn for my bard to get dressed again.
2266. Immunity to blast damage does not help against the fallout of another player's stupidity.
2267. When the GM says I can have any weapon classified as archaic, that doesn't include trebuchets.
2268. When in the presence of a god is not the best time to bring up the topic of reformation.
2269. Can't switch religions in the middle of a game.
2270. No auctioning off my faith between the various temples.
2271. No converting to religions from other games.
2272. The paladin does not have to run a background check on new PCs before they join the group.
2273. Can't pick a religion based solely on the greatest number of sexual positions allowed.
2274. I am not transelven.
2275. Disguising the party as Cygnarans requires more than just buying a whole bunch of goggles.
2276. I will not name my character Bab Thaco.
2277. If the king says he will reimburse our expenses, no turning the mission into an epic continent spanning quest.
2278. Especially if the original missions was "kill all the goblins in this cave."
2279. No abusing the thaumaturgy spell by slamming doors in the face of missionaries, inventing the clapper, or constantly impersonating BRIAN BLESSED.
2280. We aren't starting 5th edition by finding Elminster in the shower wondering about 4th edition.
2281. Bring the goblins to justice doesn't mean knocking all of them out and marching them back for a public apology.
2282. Our first encounter can't end with me hugging a bugbear tell him how much I missed him.
2283. There is no such thing as a Belt of Norwegification.
2284. I am not assigning that 18 I just rolled to my necromancer's charisma.
2285. I will remember the basic set is still incomplete and ignore all the "under construction" signs.
2286. Can only pick two of the following for my character: dwarf beserker, battering ram, fireproof, light source.
2287. We are not using the dwarf's back hair to make any of the following: rope, sweater, quilt, hot air balloon.
2288. I will not force the rookie to pick sides in the eternal banded mail debate.
2289. Even if the breakup was bad, naming my ex as my ranger's favored enemy puts out a creepy stalker vibe.
2290. Even if the rules allow it, my gladiator's starting weapons cannot be the trident and bagpipes.
2291. Even if he is "a mysterious entity whose nature is utterly foreign to the fabric of reality" Andy Kaufman does not count as a Great Old One.
2292. Even if the rules allow it, I can't have proficiency in every skill by level 6.
2293. No casting Guards & Wards in the houses of people who annoy me.
2294. I will stop casting Awaken on the other party members' horses.
2295. If even if they are half the cost of warhorses, can't just by elephants for the entire party.
2296. My gnome won't drunk call the Elf MkII that didn't make the cut in the new edition.
2297. When asked for typical barbarian settings, I can't suggest Camden N. J.
2298. The bond "ex-husband" can't be applied to every female character in the party.
2299. I will stop assuming all Drow know Drizzt.
2300. It's cute when you train your hamster to attack their eyes. Your weasel not so cute.
2301. Even if the rules allow it, the entire party can't be all raised by the same wolf.
2302. The party's mutual bond can't be "former members of the Funky Bunch."
2303. I can't bribe the dwarf with an offer of putting him up for stud.
2304. Kissing up to a dragon until he gives us a minor trouble is acceptable, slapping us with a restraining order not so much.
2305. Can't use the Summon Monster spell to redefine the term "Trolling someone"
2306. 12 degrees of success on my charm test doesn't automatically earn me a commissarial backrub.
2307. Successfully grappling the roper doesn't let me use him to play double dutch with the thief.
2308. Even if the rules allow it, no using plaid colored light spells to to mess with the guard's perception of movement.
2309. If I challenge Death to a game, picking Campaign for North Africa doesn't ensure immortality.
2310. Despite what the rules say, a ghille suit does not make me invisible in the St. Patrick's Day parade.
2311. No matter what it would do to his spell casting chances, I can't cast shrink on the necromancer's undies.
2312. You can only make so many called shots to the groin until it's an alignment check.
2313. "Athletic Scholarship" is not an acceptable excuse to take the sage background for my half orc barbarian.
2314. After cleaning out their lair, I can't put all the newly petrifried medusas in my front yard as decorations.
2315. I will not finish any sentence containing the phrase 'Blink Ferrets."
2316. Need to stop coming up with excuses to keep referencing page 73 of the Dungeoneer's Survival Guide.
2317. No matter how rude it was, I will keep all my interactions with the magic mouth at the entry of the dungeon PG-13.
2318. Even if the rules allow it, no dual wielding lances.
2319. Just because it's legal to dual wield quarterstaves, tieing two together does not give me dire-nunchucks.
2320. My rogue will accept the fact he can backstab a tridrone, even if it doesn't have a back to stab.
2321. We aren't using Rosie O'Donnel for a unit of measurement for any aspect of a warjack.
2322. Yes the Demolition Corps has a dress uniform, no it's not steam powered.
2323. Just because I bought my dice bag at the Vatican doesn't mean my dice are Catholic.
2324. Despite the book's claim, using a double negative in the Protectorate of Menoth doesn't bring down a death sentence.
2325. Before making my last wish, I will make sure everybody in the party actually wants patagia.
2326. My woad clad Pict will stop calling the lady knight critical of chainmail bikinis an overdressed prude.
2327. Just because acid is considered a damage type and alkaline isn't doesn't mean the DM has a Ph imbalance.
2328. Just because damage is non-lethal doesn't mean I can keep beating him for hours.
2329. Gurahl come in grizzly, kodiak and polar varieties. Not drop.
2330. Wife's side of the family is not an acceptable choice for favored enemy.
2331. Even if it's a gladiator campaign, we can't all be Spartacus.
2332. When asked why the Feywild isn't in the campaign, "self inflicted nuclear holocaust" isn't the right answer.
2333. Even if the rules allow it, I can't have a clockwork kidney.
2334. This goes double for a steam powered liver.
2335. While it is customary to initiate a duel by striking with a gauntlet, it is also customary to do it at subsonic speeds.
2336. I will make sure any minor summoning spell gets us a lesser elemental and not jailbait.
2337. I will not use summon spells just for sticking somebody else with the check.
2338. Even if the rules allow it, we can't be Space Ogre Ninjas.
2339. When providing pistols for a duel, they both can't be fingerprint locked just to me.
2340. Even if the rules allow it, I can't spend my xp to turn the crapsack setting into a functional Randian utopia.
2341. Liechtenstein doesn't have a challenge rating.
2342. Pendragon is not the best game to test Darwin's theories on survival of the fittest.
2343. I can't spend all my starting points on concubines.
2344. Every time the catgirl fails a skill check, I won't spritz her with the water bottle as punishment.
2345. I can't use the catgirl's tongue to remove paint from metal.
2346. Even if my character's lifespan is in centuries, I can't just pour salt water over the lock and just wait.
2347. I also can't spend all my character points on one just really awesome concubine.
2348. I will stop asking the Jesuit to teach me kung fu moves.
2349. No finding industrial uses for Darkspawn.
2350. Step one of every plan can't just be "Set them all on fire"
2351. Even if my druid is immune to poison doesn't mean he can chug bleach with impunity.
2352. Can't clear out the dungeon with just engineering checks.
2353. I will not test the DM's knowledge on the rules for hypothermia, heat stroke or dysentery.
2354. No more bringing more rule books to the game than the GM owns.
2355. Can't bribe a dragon with belly rubs.
2356. There is no such thing as medicinal melange.
2357. 4Chan does not cause more sanity loss than Cthulhu.
2358. Just because the new edition is light on magic items doesn't mean I have to go through withdrawal.
2359. Even if we all conspired to do it, it's my fault if the characters' names form a Jewish folk song.
2360. I can't spend all of my share of the loot on flamethrowers.
2361. I don't get bulk discounts when buying armies.
2362. I can't devote an entire deck of the battle cruiser to just my mistress.
2363. Drug tests can't detect potions of speed.
2364. I should stop asking the Lady of Pain to RSVP.
2365. Even if it's the simple and and obvious solution to the module, we aren't beating the adventure with lesbianism.
2366. The following are not acceptable seconds in a duel: Space Marine Chapter Masters, Intelligent Dancing Vorpal Swords, Prussia.
2367. The rulebook wasn't kidding about needing 5,000 people to hijack a Star Destroyer.
2368. Even if the entire party is in total agreement, we aren't stopping the game to call the writer and correct his Texas history.
2369. If the villain doesn't have a phobia of the blue footed boobie, I can't give him one.
2370. I will keep the amount of sexual innuendo to a minimum in the autopsy report.
2371. Even if I sew them into a serape, I can't wear two magical capes at once.
2372. The Control Water spell is not for spontaneous wet t-shirt contests.
2373. The name for a group of elves is not the fagot.
2374. While Perform: Spoken word is an acceptable skill for a bard, Perform: Scat is not.
2375. I will remember the whole acid spray ability before I cause the Company Chaplain to spit take.
Gotta ask about 2011 and 2022, this time around.
2011: Deathwatch game guy decided to play a White Scars space marine, which is basically a space Mongol. Only looking at a list of Mongal names he picks Borte, which was a woman's name. Genghis Khan's wife specifically.
2022. Polka Gnomes were hit by a flame strike from the Gnomish God Welk if they blew their Thrash Polka check.
Well, it's obvious you've stayed busy.
Good stuff. 2003-2010 had me about falling out of my chair, especially Improved Tax Evasion.
Edited at 2012-03-31 03:42 pm (UTC)
I call shenanigans on 2010, I see it all the time.
Heh, if only Al Capone had had #2010. Of all the stuff he got away with....they eventually got him on tax fraud. I call shenanigans on 2021, though...if they aren't hot, you can't use them as a knockout weapon? Aww.
Always remember, the Secret Service, the FBI (Not the MODERN FBI, the Old School FBI, under J. Edgar HOOVER, the man who had the world's biggest porn collection on the government dime, and blackmailed sitting presidents), city and state cops, and all the rest couldn't nail Capone.
The IRS did.
It puts me in mind of a spell from Hogwarts.
I think you already have this on the list somewhere:
Doesn't matter if we may get a chance to use it
My rigger must have a drive skill other than Drive(monorail)
Edited at 2012-04-02 12:05 am (UTC)
Love the list. Long time fan. But you wouldn't be able to call in a 1500 pizza order on a black ops anyway. No pizza place I ever worked for would fill it unless they met you and/or you put down a deposit. Heck, if all the locations in the town I worked in worked together it would probably take hours to produce and deliver all of that.
You order them in blocks of 50 from all the various pizza joints, Since the city was a clone of NYC and the target was a large multinational corporation, wasn't much of a problem.
My brother and I came up with a few of our own. Spring a few of these on your DM and let us know how it works out.
My fire mage cannot take the advantage Sozin's Comet.
I am not to use fear magic on the stock exchange to cause a financial panic.
If a monster has laid waste to a dozen villages, I am not allowed to tame it and keep it as a pet.
I can't even try to kill slime-type monsters by pouring silica gel on them.
Or by feeding them a Decanter of Endless Water and diluting them to death.
I am not to use two Bags of Holding as a bomb.
Munitions warehouses are a bad place to use grenades or fire magic.
We cannot cripple the entire enemy army by sneaking one rust monster into their armory.
My company's slogan is not "We know what you want, we know what you need, we know where you live."
My character cannot use his powers over metal to just suck the coins out of people's pockets.
I cannot rob the bank and then get my good karma back by giving alms to the poor.
I can't use my earth powers to just make the ceiling in the next room collapse on the bad guys.
I cannot play a female medic of royal lineage just so I can call her Princess Anesthesia.
No casting massive INT buffs on stubborn NPCs to make them smart enough to listen to me.
I am not the Hero With A Thousand Extra Lives.
When I learn Stinking Cloud, I cannot immediately leave the party to start a home fumigation business.
No forging a giant pair of tweezers to go with Bigby's Hand.
No evading once-per-day restrictions by landing on an asteroid with a forty-minute rotation period.
When offered a chance to wish for any weapon, can't ask for a gatling gun.
Must not taunt the lich with "Phylactery will get you nowhere".
"To avenge my father, dead these twenty years" is a good reason for fighting the villain. "Just for the hell of it" is not.
My squadmates are not mentioned by name in the Litany of Detestation.
No matter what their damage reduction is, I can't shoot my party members in the back just to get their attention.
Not allowed to turn a starship's mainframe computer into a spam server.
No convincing people to play Russian roulette with a gatling gun.
When the Forgotten Realms come up in conversation, not allowed to ask "Who forgot them?"
Can't leave a breadcrumb trail by smashing everything to crumbs.
Not allowed to instantly suggest fistfights whenever anyone asks how we should decide something.
If we are outnumbered ten to one, after killing 10 guys I cannot stop fighting and say I did my fair share.
No matter how much I dislike the performance, "round of applause" does not mean .50 caliber.
And "give them a big hand" does not mean any of Bigby's spells.
Explosive Runes and online image boards should not mix.
No matter my choice of factions, and no matter what rank I attain, I am not the Chairman of the Borg.
If I run out of lightning spells, taking off my shoes and shuffling around on a carpet won't help.
No high-fives with a quivering palm.
Odious Personal Habit: Incessantly Chews Garlic is a flaw, not a breath weapon. Even if we are fighting vampires.
I cannot put my house in an eldritch death-spot where the grass will never grow again just to I won't have to mow the lawn.
Is stuffing wyrmlord Koth in the bag of holding until he cracks considered an alignment violation?
No spamming Darth Vader.
Not allowed to plug a hull breach with your @$$.
Not allowed to plug a hull breach with somebody else's @$$.
Don't loot the whole castle at the end of the module. In Star Wars.
No longer allowed to use the halfling to parry.
You are not Leeroy Jenkins. Stop acting like him.
Not allowed to crash your starfighter on purpose.
Edited at 2012-04-24 12:09 am (UTC)
1. I cannot keep the magical manacles that were sapping the power of the semi-important NPC we were sent to rescue, even if she later turns out to be a horribly OP party stalker and I want to kill her in her sleep.
2. For that matter, no trying to kill the semi-important NPC in the first place. This counts especially true if the character is the DM avatar who will become a PC when another group member takes over as DM in the next campaign.
3. I am banned from possessing two or more of the following: Map of City, Map of City Sewer System, and an impromptu sack made of rope and a winter blanket containing large quantities of alchemist's fire.
4. If I possess the third of those, I cannot also possess pitons, arrows, and a means to make fire.
5. My character would not hum the Mission Impossible theme while climbing down a rope into the alchemist's shop, even if I burned a hole in the roof with acid.
6. I am banned from purchasing large quantities of vermilion.
7. The DMs favored NPCs do not sleep. No matter what hour of the night we execute our assassination attempt, the stealth NPC will always be nearby waiting to attack us.
Edited at 2012-04-27 02:53 am (UTC)
If you plan on breaking into a strangers house "Because he looks weird" it is not considered a good idea to knock on the door and claim to be the landlord
Or break one of the windows with a sling and send your animal companion in to unlock the door. especially if the animal companion doesn't have hands.
Or burn down the house
I am not allowed to secretly max my vampire's ability of ventriloquism to make the others think she's a Daughter of Cacophony.
I'm saving #2049 for my own use later.
Don't poke/throw things at the barbarian.
Don't poke/throw things at the Sphere of Annihilation.
Your default strategy can't be 'fling a fireball in, then close the door'.
Actual quote: "Note to self: Don't. Touch. Anything."
The barbarian does not need a beer.
...Actually, scratch that, the barbarian says he DOES need a beer.
2069. No explaining battle plans to the tune of a Jerry Reed song?
GM noticed that I was explaining our shadow runners plans to the cadence of Amos Moses.
The mission plan does not include helping a rancor get laid.
Even if you get to ride it later.
The 'rancor repellent' is actually rancor pee.
Try not to land your parachute in the steaming pile of rancor poop.
The rancors on Dathomir are sentient. Remember this.
Your mission should not end with you married to a Night Sister.
I'm DMing a game right now. I decided that since 3/4 members were there (online game) that we would have an intro game go on right now. They meat a demon and battle him on a floating platform. If they fall, they go through, if they die, they go through, if they beat him, they're stuck (he's lvl 6, they're lvl 1).
No making a deal with a Demon that splits the group into two before the game actually starts.
Got this one a good while ago... Is it the sort Mr. Welch would try?
The permission to have a wild dragon in an Eragon-themed RP does not mean permission to create a dragon the length of several continents with back spikes ten thousand meters long.
"2053. If the GM is a woman, can't play a space otter to gain cute points."
Ha. How did that one come up?
Tynnan are canon space otters from the Han Solo trilogy. GM was trying her first game and fell in love with the tynnans because they had major cute points. Had to change characters and behest of other playerz because we never got off tynnan homeworld.
your DM is just plain lazy, 2093 so should have worked
See, 2138 is humorous the way you have it written but that would have honestly added some excellent roleplay and drama to your campaign if the DM had let you do it. Often I understand why the DM won't let you dick around with his game but quite a few items on the list, like this one, are huge missed opportunities. I guess i can understand your DM not wanting to deal with it but its a shame.
Second, is 2150 a Roadhouse reference?
2150 is Aeon Trinity when we took a vote that the guy with the cold powers had to carry the beer.
One that I've preemptively forbidden myself from doing:
In a medieval setting, all of my below-average-Intelligence character's wishes, requests, and questions must be known to be solvable in polynomial time, no matter how much we need to stall.
It doesn't show up on the by-game lists. Interesting...