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826-850 - Nothing I Say is Meant to Offend Unless You're a Moron [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
TheGlen

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826-850 [Nov. 22nd, 2006|08:42 pm]
TheGlen
826. Elves do not respond to chainsaws the same ways dogs react to vacuum cleaners.
827. My battlemech does not play Dixie every time I hit the jump jets.
828. Even if the mages critically fumbles his stealth check, can't threaten to bleed him slow.
829. Despite the song's claim, a pelvic thrust does not cause Sanity loss.
830. Even if we are in Sweden, I can't use one blanket seduction check on the entire crowd.
831. I didn't 'accidentally' forget to buy any skills.
832. I will not run up my bar tab and then skip out leaving the DM's super NPC to foot the bill.
833. Overrunning a larger army is not a glorious victory if it happened at 3AM and they were still in bed.
834. I will stop reminding Elminster he's not as cool as Merlin, Gandalf or that shapechanging wizard from Krull.
835. I cannot lure out the Psycho Killer into an ambush by having sex with another character.
836. No paraphrasing the party leader's elaborate plan as 'pick somebody you don't like and let them know it.'
837. Even if the rules allow it, I can't take the 1st Armored Division as an ally.
838. Doesn't matter how high my influence is; I still can't make Carmen Miranda hats part of the unit's dress code.
839. In the middle of a black ops no inserting a memo into the target's computer mandating 'clothing optional Mondays'.
840. Even if it would have immediately solved the last six adventures, I won't throw dynamite in every well I come across.
841. No more tricking rookies into putting whoopie cushions on Lord Vader's throne.
842. When handed Dieties and Demigods and told to pick a god for my druid, I will skip right by the Cthulhu Mythos.
843. It doesn't matter how high his hit points or damage reduction are, we aren't sending the dwarf into battle via catapult.
844. As a matter of fact, Jeopardy does screen for telepaths.
845. It's not a good idea to taunt Greek heroes with "Who's your daddy?"
846. Doesn't matter if it's an anime style game, I don't get a bonus to hit with eyepokes.
847. Polymorph Mother-in-Law is not a real spell.
848. The Caern is not "Disneyworld as if run by coyotes"
849. The FBI tends to notice when people buy several miles of hamster tubing at once.
850. Doesn't matter how practical, we aren't reanimating the dead dragon and having him haul that horde back for us.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: nightfalke
2006-11-23 04:02 am (UTC)
837. Even if the rules allow it, I can't take the 1st Armored Division as an ally.

Which system is that?!?
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[User Picture]From: theglen
2006-11-23 05:23 am (UTC)
GURPS allows allies as advantages. It's like 85pts for that scale, but it is very possible.
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From: cocked_brow
2006-11-23 10:23 am (UTC)
843. It doesn't matter how high his hit points or damage reduction are, we aren't sending the dwarf into battle via catapult.

But... but... Fastball Specials, man! You just need a mage to summon you up an ogre, dude. Sod the siege machinery:)
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[User Picture]From: tygerr
2006-11-27 07:00 pm (UTC)
Damn straight! I once *played* the 'catapult' (frost giant PC in a game system that allowed this). Dwarf-tossing was one of our group's standard tactics for a variety of situations. (As was "bowling for goblins".)
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[User Picture]From: fuzcat
2006-11-23 07:55 pm (UTC)
850. Doesn't matter how practical, we aren't reanimating the dead dragon and having him haul that horde back for us.

Seems like a perfectly reasonable solution to me. :P
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[User Picture]From: whyspyr
2006-11-24 06:29 pm (UTC)
846. Doesn't matter if it's an anime style game, I don't get a bonus to hit with eyepokes.

Hahahahaha! Entertaining list as always-but this one made me laugh outloud and spill coffee on my keyboard!
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