TheGlen (theglen) wrote,

Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Hackmaster

Long time ago I promised to break the list down by game system, here's my first go, Hackmaster is first because that's the first game on the list. The list is 40 pages long now, not a bad run. Doesn't mean I'm ending it either.

1. Cannot base characters off the Who's drummer Keith Moon.
14. Ogres are not kosher.
31. The backup trap handler is not whoever has the most HP at the time.
36. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to sit on the same side of the table.
88. My bard does not get a bonus to perform if she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard.
134. The King's Guards official name is not "The Royal Order of the Red Shirt"
169. I am neither the pagan god nor goddess of fertility.
185. My bard does not need roadies for a dungeon crawl.
218. No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation.
229. Not allowed to spontaneously check if the elf can take a punch.
237. Not allowed to use more than 3 words per game that the GM has to look up the definition.
277. My half-ogre cannot surprise the halflings with spontaneous games of dodgeball.
322. My bard knows more songs than just "I Saw Your Mommy"
326. Cannot accumulate 200 points of flaws for Hackmaster.
327. I am not allowed to decide which one of us is the Chosen One.
362. It is very unlikely my half-ogre and the half-elf, half-dragon, tiefling and aasimar have the same dad.
366. Female minotaurs do not have udders. This issue is closed.
372. Cannot start the game blitzed, especially if I was stone sober at the last game break.
392. I am forbidden to see whether halflings or gnomes bounce higher.
397. I will not tell new players that 1st level characters do not have a scent as a defense mechanism.
412. I will not try to skip to the main boss dressed like a singing telegram.
434. Never again will I convince a player to keep a character nicknamed "Stumpy McLunger"
457. I did not invent the wet tabard contest.
461. Tasha's Uncontrollably Hideous Sister is not a real spell.
468. If the party wakes to find a chariot upside down in a fountain, I'd better not be the prime, usual or only suspect.
469. If I wake up to find black cloaked figures in my room, I will not immediately point them to the halflings' room.
513. Trying to rip the face off the villain will not get the Scooby-Doo ending.
593. Tensor's Herniated Disc is not a real spell.
597. The party does not need to know about the time I woke up duct taped to the back of a Drow Matron Mother.
598. Any adventure that ends up with my character being worshiped as an orc god was just a dream. Retroactively if need be.
628. I can't use audible glamour to trick the cleric into building an ark.
654. If the party goes into my room and finds a Deva wearing only baby oil, oven mitts and spurs, they can start the module without me.
715. Even if the rules allow it, I can't invent the strip joint.
755. There is a reason no game has pasties in its starting equipment list.
810. While the party is off searching for secret doors, can't position the slain orcs in compromising positions.
812. I don't have to take a lower level bard adventuring as my opening act.
813. Taking the orc warlord's skull as a trophy is acceptable. Not as a hand puppet.
822. If everybody in the room is in black leather, we're in the thieves' guild. Not a fetish club.
862. Bigby's Offensive Finger is not a real spell.
888. Breast enhancing spells gain no benefits from meta-magic feats.
939. Just because I've hit name level does not automatically give me groupies.
962. If I don't have an instrument for my bardic song, an 'air mandolin' won't suffice.
989. When asked to describe my character, I can leave out the hickies.
1013. The expressive dance skill is not a substitute for language skills.
1046. We can’t stabilize the dying villain before we make our escape just in case he was a load bearing villain.
1177. I will stop asking NPC’s how much XP they are worth.
1364. I cannot mint my own currency.
1370. Halflings are not used as currency.
1535. The spell is called Prismatic Spray, not Taste the Rainbow.
1596. Even if she's the most dangerous, the party doesn't appreciate me killing the naked chick first.
1610. If the GM says 3d6 straight down, he didn't mean it if that gives me a pixie fairy berserker.
1977. If I managed to roll up a half ogre knight errant on 3d6 straight down, no gloating.
1978. Naming the half ogre Sir Loin of Beef is gloating.
1994. There is no instant replay in Hackmaster.

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