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Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in D&D 3.0 - Nothing I Say is Meant to Offend Unless You're a Moron [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in D&D 3.0 [Sep. 17th, 2009|09:03 pm]
2. A one man band is not an appropriate bard instrument.
3. There is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery.
6. Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle plan.
20. Polka is not appropriate marching music.
22. There is no such thing as a Gnomish Pygmy War Rhino.
25. The green elf does not need food badly.
39. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'can lick their eyebrows'
40. Gnomes do not have the racial ability to hold their breath for 10 minutes.
41. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'impromptu kickstand'
42. Having a big nose adds nothing to my seduction check.
52. My bard does not know how to play Inna Godda Davida on marachas.
53. Not allowed to start a drow character weighing more than a quarter ton.
65. There is no Summon Bimbo spell.
69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save.
83. My gnome does not like big butts and he cannot lie.
98. There is no such thing as Speed Polka.
101. I am not allowed to pave ANYTHING.
103. There is no such thing as a Club +3 of Cup Checks
115. My musical instrument does not double as a personal flotation device.
126. Dwarves do not count as burrowing animals.
128. Polka Gnomes exist only in my mind.
135. I cannot demand payment in electrum, backrubs or bubblewrap.
139. My bard is required to take levels in the perform skill and cannot 'just play by ear'
140. The Dutch language does not exist in the Forgotten Realms.
142. Not allowed to give a 4 year old a sugar rush just to jack up the CR later.
144. There is no such thing as pleather armor.
148. There is no Gnomish Deathgrip, and even if there was, it wouldn't involve tongs.
153. I will not propose to every noblewoman at the royal ball until I crit my charisma check.
156. When one person forgets to buy rations eating the half-elf is not our first option.
164. I am not to tattle to the halfling assassin's mom about his career choice.
167. I was not recruited by Star League for any reason.
168. I was also not recruited by 12 dwarves and a wizard to rob a dragon.
204. I am not too sexy for the elf, too sexy for the elf, so sexy myself.
219. In formal introductions to royalty, I must not introduce my companions as just "The Other Guys".
222. Druids are not against my religion.
224. I cannot insinuate elf chicks are all easy, even though you never hear about a half gnome do you?
234. My character does not get d34 HP a level.
238. My bard cannot play or has ever heard of the theremin, didgeridoo or glass armonica.
243. Cannot cast haste on the king during a long winded speech to get him to hurry the hell up.
246. I cannot keep selling that creepy guy's always naked elf chick to nomads every chance I get.
247. If the king rewards me with a forest, I am to assume he intends for me to keep it a forest.
248. There is no Halfling god of groin shots.
252. I cannot order the Druid to transform and roll out.
256. The following cleric domains do not exist: Wet T-Shirts, Atheism, Keggers
260. Gnomes do not have a racial bonus in bobsled.
262. When the GM forces the plot, I cannot make choo-choo noises.
268. Mr. Welch is not allowed to speak in 3rd person.
275. I must remember at dinner time Rock is not a dwarven delicacy.
276. I must remember at dinner time Log is not an elven delicacy.
293. Clowns shoes have no place in a dungeon crawl.
295. When my enemy blinks does not give me an attack of opportunity.
302. A gimp suit does not count as leather armor.
306. Chaotic Evil dieties do not have hymnals.
315. My gnome cannot save point on the ride skill simply by asking for piggyback rides everywhere.
321. The monk's official title is Brother of the Lotus Path. Not the Slap Happy Jappy.
337. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot control 20,000 pigeons and use them as flying piranha.
342. After the first adventure I cannot write a tell all book about the party.
351. I cannot take skill Profession: Ecdysiast
378. I can cannot give my character the moniker "Tim the Barbarian". Especially since he's the bard.
379. I am to stop asking the elf to put a good word in for me with Santa.
380. I cannot use the ventriloquism skill to convice the fighter his new sword is a magical talking one.
382. I can't bet the power gamer he can't solo the module.
390. My character's background must be more in-depth than a montage of Queen lyrics.
394. If the light spell expires, no lighting the dwarf.
401. When a virgin sacrifice is demanded I will not look knowingly at the paladin, netrunner or Hermetic.
404. No subcontracting dungeon crawls.
407. I will not blow all my starting funds on hookers and booze.
433. I will not find a peaceful solution to the adventure just to piss off the power gamer.
449. I will not switch to an entirely new class every single time I level.
462. 1st Watch is not for accordion practice.
464. 2nd Watch is not for starting up pick up rugby games with wandering monsters.
466. 3rd Watch is not clothing optional.
473. No matter the CR of the monster, no naked pookie dances upon victory.
476. The alignment of 2 years olds is not automatically Neutral Evil.
486. No how tough the encounter was, I will keep the congratulatory ass slapping to a minimum.
487. Halfing mating rituals do not include beer can crushing, power belching, or Lynyrd Skynyrd trivia.
489. No making up any strange hobbies just to get out of taking watch.
492. Beer Boy is not an acceptable hireling for the dungeon crawl.
496. While Bardic music can increase skill rolls, bad jazz adds nothing to seduction rolls.
531. No making up gnomish subraces.
540. A full minute of stunned silence means "My God what did you do?" not "Please continue."
542. No, I do not have time to carve that mountain in the shape of anything.
547. Perform skill does not apply to the following: Performance art, spoken word, or fan dances.
549. It is not physically possible to cook off an accordion.
553. No matter how well I make my disguise check, my gnome cannot convincingly pass for any member of Rush.
555. I will stop snickering every time the monk announces he's touching someone with his quivering palm.
559. Even if the Ranger offers his sword, the elf his bow and the dwarf his axe, my gnome can't offer his accordion.
604. If my alignment forbids torture, that includes Gnomish Poetry Slams.
605. Even if this an adventuring party, I can't show up to the adventure drunk and wearing only a toga, lampshade and half elf stripper.
607. A N-Scale tuba player is not an appropriate miniature for my gnome bard.
613. I can't have a magic item I can't request with a straight face.
625. I must remember before the next time I shave off the sleeping dwarf's beard and glue it to the sleeping elf, wars have been started that way.
626. Dwarves are not proper substitutes for pufferfish.
650. Gnolls don't fall for the fake ball trick more than once.
651. My alignment is not Sarcastic Good.
663. Even if I just rolled 832d6 for damage, still can't get a bonus to my intimidate check.
672. Teleport Without Pants is not a real spell.
676. My character's primary purpose in the party is not to just leech 1/6 of all the XP.
677. Elves do not have the racial trait: No Gag Reflex.
678. Distract the bad guy does not mean with a recreation of the Apollo landing.
693. There is no conspiracy to write out the gnome's contribution to the Fellowship of the Ring.
695. Buying the Elf Babe a trampoline and telling her it boosts her Dexterity isn't fooling anybody.
701. Cannot take the moniker "the Hyperpolysyllabicsesquipedalinist"
702. The Banana of Disarming is not a real magic item.
710. My info gathering mission must include info that wasn't obviously obtained in a brothel.
734. My character's background cannot be a wikipedia biography with "Falco" crossed off and my character's name written in.
768. Burning my bard song on CD and putting it on repeat does not mean the effect never ends.
780. When told I have to join the RPGA to play in a game, can't sign the membership card "D. Duck."
790. If I have access to warm water, I don't take watch unsupervised.
814. Sending the villain a nymph stripper only works once.
817. Cannot challenge anyone to a dance off. To the death.
819. Taking each class as I level in alphabetical order is forbidden.
826. Elves do not respond to chainsaws the same ways dogs react to vacuum cleaners.
833. Overrunning a larger army is not a glorious victory if it happened at 3AM and they were still in bed.
843. It doesn't matter how high his hit points or damage reduction are, we aren't sending the dwarf into battle via catapult.
847. Polymorph Mother-in-Law is not a real spell.
880. Searching the dead PC for spell components is ok. Using him for spell components is not.
881. Any character that can run the 2 minute mile is vetoed.
885. Halflings do not store food in their cheeks for winter.
886. Elves are not deciduous.
887. Despite evidence to the contrary, half-elves do not automatically go both ways.
896. Polish is not a sub-dialect of gnomish.
911. Can't take a level of monk just for tone.
942. We do not need an elf on this dungeoncrawl for the same reason miners need canaries.
952. Keifer Sutherland does not make numerous cameos in my character's background telling him he's destined for greatness.
964. Elves aren't marsupials.
987. Even if starving, can't suckle the elf chick.
999. I can't train squirrel mobs to abuse the grapple rules.
1002. Foam Finger of Death is not a real spell.
1015. Despite what the rules say, berserking does not improve my aim.
1033. Holding the hand crossbow sideways ‘gangsta style’ does not add to my intimidate check.
1057. Canadian is not a real language.
1064. Even if I can prove at least a half dozen practical uses for it, I can’t have a slip and slide for the dungeon crawl.
1087. Even if I take twice as long, that doesn’t mean I can take 40.
1122. Even if it still gives a combat bonus to everybody else, I can’t just stand there and read a comic book behind the villain.
1157. I can’t ‘make it rain’ before the invention of paper currency.
1205. I can’t have any feat in the main book if the feat is written in pencil.
1220. The Vulcan neck pinch doesn’t work in campaigns without Vulcans.
1281. The two primary types of Halfling are not flathead and Phillips.
1284. There is no such thing as a Gnomish Pygmy Seeing Eye Rhino either.
1301. The 10’ pole in the starting equipment list cannot support the weight of an exotic dancer.
1367. Gnomes are not nature's tripods.
1368. Dwarves do not groom themselves like cats. Or baboons.
1369. Elves do to have nipples.
1384. I will not start a Ponzi scheme involving the entire party.
1385. Even if I couldn't attend the session when everything went to hell, it's still my fault.
1447. My Bard will not take a trombone just so he can attack and use his bard song at the same time.
1453. When the dwarf has an idea, no making the "He's drunk" motion behind his back.
1478. Burning Orb spell doesn't cause jock itch.
1531. Even if it does take the thief 10 minutes to search the room, that's not enough time for a quickie.
1576. I will tell the new player fantasy games means gnomes and wizards not assless chaps and jumper cables.
1612. There is no such thing as Boobs +1.
1663. There is no such thing as a 'bad touch attack'
1720. Contrary to popular opinion, the girdle of masculinity/femininity does have a noticeable effect on elves.
1752. No summoning octopi to make the sleeping paladin explain all the hickies.
1790. Can't find the villain just by casting power word stun in the bar and see who's still standing.

[User Picture]From: pollopeligroso
2009-09-18 05:12 am (UTC)

Took me a sec

Cool, you're parsing these out by game

Do you have a central location for these so I can point my friends and interested parties to them?

If you don't, do you want one?
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: theglen
2009-09-18 12:00 pm (UTC)

Re: Took me a sec

(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: otherles
2009-09-18 06:18 am (UTC)
"3. There is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery."

Well, yes. That's because Gerald Bull was not Gnomish.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: artphr33k
2009-09-18 02:19 pm (UTC)
"There is no halfling god of groin shots"

(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: VioletSRBlack
2011-12-29 10:28 pm (UTC)
But...but I googled Speed Polka and got results...
(Reply) (Thread)