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Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Cyberpunk 2020 - Nothing I Say is Meant to Offend Unless You're a Moron [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Cyberpunk 2020 [Sep. 22nd, 2009|08:34 pm]

37. They do not make black market illegal cyberweapons for rodents.
57. In the middle of a black op I cannot ask a guard to validate parking.
59. Not allowed to pose the Netrunner in embarrassing positions when he's on a run.
70. Not allowed to cook up nerve gas in the sink even if the target number is 5.
110. Not allowed to serenade the party even if my character has an internal tape deck.
127. Not allowed to download AOL 6.0 on the Arasaka mainframe.
150. Not allowed to create recreational drugs in suppository format.
216. There is an upper limit to the number of Bozo boostergangers I can get in a Volkswagon.
223. I cannot convince the Solo he has a cortex bomb when he really doesn't.
230. There is no such thing as monofilament tooth floss.
233. If I am the medtech it is generally assumed I am going to have skill in medicine.
239. My rockerboy cannot play or has ever heard of the theremin, didgeridoo or glass armonica.
249. If a black op requires me to impersonate an employee, I cannot bill the target for overtime.
266. At the end of a black-ops, I cannot crank call C-SWAT on the target's phone.
348. The rest of the party appreciates it if I don't start the game in Cyberpsychosis.
369. Not supposed to stop the soon to be cyberpsycho by disassembling him earlier in the adventure.
383. It is not ok to use 10,000 rounds to kill two sentries.
396. I will refrain from using wildly inaccurate high explosive weapons in close quarters.
441. There is an upper limit on the number of people a bullet will go through.
465. After a successful black ops, I will not leave paint bombs under all the boardroom's seat cushions.
474. Black and Decker does not make prosthetics.
493. I will not base any Media character off Milo Bloom.
498. A firefight is not the best time to tell the party my Medtech has a fear of blood.
521. I will not convince the entire party to play Amish for the cyberpunk campaign.
541. When prompted for a target by the guided missile "the naughty bits" is not a valid choice.
545. No going 100% tracer round on the HMG just because I like the pretty colors.
546. Dead party members, while effective, are not appropriate anti-grenade measures.
617. The forehead is not an appropriate place for a kill count holo-tattoo.
618. No matter how much my humanity loss, a chainsaw is not a substitute for a bayonet.
630. Replacing the solo's bullets with blanks so he comes in dead last in bodycount isn't funny.
656. A crayon is typically going to cause a penalty to my forgery skill.
679. I do not have time in the Black Ops for break dancing, Greco-Roman Wrestling or phone sex.
698. During the Black Ops no accessing the target's HR files and getting babes' phone numbers.
726. My black ops experience does not include panty raids and beer runs.
739. Can't make the blacks ops super easy by sending a couple of strippers to the guardroom first.
796. In the middle of the black ops can't lock a bunch of long haired molting cats into the CEO's office.
811. In the middle of a black ops can't reprogram the cleaning droids to wax the floors for 12 hours straight.
830. Even if we are in Sweden, I can't use one blanket seduction check on the entire crowd.
839. In the middle of a black ops no inserting a memo into the target's computer mandating 'clothing optional Mondays'.
868. I cannot have a gun with an area of affect larger than its range.
873. I will not combine Thermographic Sights and a gun that can shoot through walls. It makes Black Ops too easy.
883. I do not need to see proof of insurance before making a medtech roll.
901. In the middle of the Black Ops a diversion is not blowing off the top twenty floors of the building.
902. Can't set the bad guy on fire until after I've blown the persuasion roll.
905. Humming the James Bond theme in the middle of a Black Ops doesn't give me any bonuses.
910. I will not convince the entire party to play rockerboys so we can be a Europe cover band.
912. Droogie is not a starting language.
921. "But she's hot!" is not an acceptable excuse for my Black Ops solo dating the tabloid reporter.
925. Any gun that can fire more rounds in one shot than I can physically carry is vetoed.
933. If escorting a high priority target, I can't biosculpt the entire team to look like her.
934. Nerve gas complicates fast talk rolls.
941. In the middle of a black ops I cannot make an educational video.
958. No matter how practical, I can't have shotgunchucks.
961. Even if I am pissed for working on my birthday, in the middle of a Black Ops I will not refer to my CO only by his first name.
984. In the middle of a black ops I cannot moonlight as tech support.
990. Even if he botches his medicine roll, I can't sue the medtech for malpractice.
1025. If I have two cyberarms, they have to be on different sides.
1032. Monofilament does not automatically make the world a better place.
1061. In the middle of a Black Ops I do not have time to put a banana in the exhaust port of their AV-9.
1091. In the middle of a Black Ops, if a character dies I will not disavow knowledge of him until after the mission is over.
1096. In the middle of a Black Ops I can’t start a major Corpwar just because I’m bored stiff with the current run.
1099. After a successful Black Ops, before I’m paid I will not immediately adopt a dozen children for the tax breaks.
1118. In the middle of a black ops I will not use up all the claymores just because I don’t want to take them back with me.
1119. I cannot have my mercy surgically removed.
1123. In the middle of a black ops I can’t call my girlfriend to remind her to pick up some Chinese on her way home.
1141. In the middle of a Black Ops I will not look at the target’s HR files to see if they have better benefits.
1144. I cannot have any gun that lets me kill the villain without being in at least an adjacent county.
1159. If I don’t have any points in medtech, I can’t try faith healing.
1170. If the rules contradict Isaac Newton, Newton wins.
1186. In the middle of a black ops my buttocks is forbidden from making contact with the target’s copy machine.
1188. Flash Bangs are not to be handed out to trick or treaters.
1206. In the middle of a Black Ops I can’t download several thousand songs on the target’s computer and then call the RIAA.
1254. We aren’t luring the Arasaka agents out of the safehouse by making ice cream truck noises.
1292. Cannot bribe the target’s HR director to start casual Fridays just to make our upcoming Black Ops easier that week.
1299. In the middle of a Black Ops I can’t compose an offensive joke on the target CEO’s email and CC the entire company.
1302. Scorched Earth Day is not a holiday, even in Cyberpunk.
1310. I will pick my character’s girlfriend based on something more than how much fire support she can provide.
1312. The plan will not continue until the GM finds out who Zan Tabak is.
1332. Even if silence is required for the entire adventure, we are not naming the Black Ops Operation: Mimecrime.
1352. Even if we are issued a nuke, I'm not allowed to touch it.
1353. I will stop trying to get a reality TV show for our Black Ops team.
1360. Woodchippers, while useful, aren't normal gear for a Black Ops.
1390. Having a reputation for having a reputation does not grant me more reputation.
1398. I will not give my preteen kids my work number, especially if I’m on a Black Ops.
1414. A Black Ops is not the appropriate place to declare my candidacy for mayor.
1417. I do not have time in the Black Ops to play Tetris with the building lights.
1425. Lying about benefits being cut are not going make the guards too disgruntled to fight back later.
1442. In the middle of a Black Ops I don't have time to elope.
1466. I must sing my kids to sleep before the black ops.
1467. I will not sing other characters' kids to sleep before, during or after the black ops.
1476. Even if I have a salient point, I won't call the Rush Limbaugh show in the middle of a Black Ops.
1506. It is not automatically assumed whatever vehicle my cop commandeers is a monster truck.
1512. My canine officer can't spend his animal requisition cash to buy two dozen chihuahuas.
1519. In the middle of a Black Ops I can't sell my niece's band candy to the hostages.
1526. Can't use my pistols to communicate in Morse Code.
1532. If its cheaper to buy a new gun than reload the old one, there's a problem.
1533. Even if the rules allow it, can't have a belt fed pistol.
1548. My netrunner's icon has to be something other than the Space Invaders ship.
1551. During the Black Ops all cell phones go on vibrate.
1561. Not possible to tattoo the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel anywhere on my body.
1577. The degauss gun is not a real gun.
1584. Even if the rules allow it, you can't sneak with a running chainsaw.
1598. If my gun can easily kill everything in the room, I go last in initiative.
1608. I cannot kill any man in a way made famous by Rutger Hauer.
1622. Militech does not have a wedding registry.
1624. It is bad form to sing along with the elevator music in a Black Ops.
1660. Even if we just stole all their alkaline chemicals, that does not mean all their base belongs to us.
1665. I will not forget to uncuff the pedophile from outside the car before driving back to the station.
1667. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by playing Wham over their commlinks.
1695. Can't load the shotgun just with rock salt because I'm feeling mean.
1707. In the middle of a black ops, can't play 'will it bounce' with the penthouse furniture.
1726. If I kill more goons with my rifle than the rest of the party without firing a shot, time to retire the character.
1734. We aren't continuing the mission until everybody is clear on the term "Going in hardcore"
1742. We aren't relocating the campaign to Texas or Florida for tax reasons.
1745. Contrary to popular belief, mercenaries don't help divorce proceedings.
1776. They don't make weapon grade schnauzers.
1792. Let's keep the collateral damage to under a billion dollars.
1795. Not possible to corner the market on weapons they don't have rules for yet.
1833. If we're short on cash no starting a telethon.
1856. I will refer to the radar contact as a Blitzer-72 MBT, and not as a TPK in a can.
1907. No putting the villain's fake bio on Match.com and letting the stalkers do my work for me.
2014. In the middle of a black ops I don't have time to set all the target's phone handsets to maximum volume.
1916. Even if the rules allow it, sniper scopes don't give bonuses to shotguns.
1921. In the middle of a Black Ops can't run up the target's cable bill by ordering PPV movies on his TV.
1938. When the game designer asks me my opinion about the new edition of his game, open weeping is not appreciated.
1942. Can't distract the villain by sending him a text.
1962. There is more combat than a called shot to the face with a double barrel, despite what the dice say.
1971. Giving my media the paparazzi template does not actually cause humanity loss.
1985. The surprise in the surprise attack comes from its speed, not from the shattered eardrums of the breaching charge.
2020. There is only one mounting option for Mr. Stud. This is not optional.
2029. In the middle of a black ops, I can't order 1500 pizzas to be delivered to the target the next day.
2048. No secretly setting the Netrunner's modem interface to 8 bit.
2058. No uploading to the villain’s electrotat the video of me shooting him.
2071. Even if the Corporation prefers PC terminology, an interrogation is not 'kinetic information retrieval'.
2090. The following are not real Cyberpunk festivals: Night City Comiccon, The Killit Festival, Grenadeapalooza.
2094. Liechtenstein has no need for weapons of mass destruction.

[User Picture]From: thausgt
2011-11-23 01:31 am (UTC)
933: Oh, I don't know. The high-profile target might just pay extra for a staff of stunt-doubles. Alternately, a more subtle bit of biosculpting that would allow the team to use Mission: Impossible masks for temporarily switching places with the target (or to make the opposition think that the target is somewhere else entirely) might not be a bad idea.
Buck Godot...
... once used this tactic to convince a teleporter that Buck, himself, was also a teleporter. A slew of quick-change artists and a lot of radio-coordination set it up nicely.
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[User Picture]From: theglen
2011-11-23 01:36 am (UTC)
It was the Home of the Brave adventure. You had to protect a high dollar target from enemies that needed her alive. They could shoot you all they wanted, just not her. She refused to wear any disguise whatsoever. So we all got biosculpted to look like her. GM had no idea how to handle that.
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[User Picture]From: Timothy McLean
2014-04-23 02:32 pm (UTC)
Tyop Arlet: 1695 got listed twice. Also, 2090<2094.

I'm interested in both why you were openly weeping about the new version and what would have happened if you were allowed to perform your usual hijinks in the midst of a black-ops. Well, the ones that screw with the target rather than your own team, at least.
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[User Picture]From: theglen
2014-04-25 05:16 pm (UTC)
Did you see the rules for CP3? All the love I put into that game and Pondsmith gives us that piece of kimchi? It was obviously rushed out the door, to the point all art was done with Barbie Dolls! Not kidding, look it up. I was told later it was placeholder art that was accidentally never replaced, but still.

As far as the Black Ops goes, probably would have gotten the team killed. My character in the team had a specific role that once it was done he wasn't needed. Sadly, my skills were needed very early on so my part of the adventure was mainly at the beginning. So I got bored, and the B&E guy also got bored and helped a lot.

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